fear and compassion

a reflection from a train ride about a month ago:

You never know what a day is going to hold.

What should have been a (relatively) relaxing train ride turned into a disturbing/challenging start to my day.

I will play this interaction over in my mind.

What should have I done?

How could I have responded?

What was really the most loving response?

Did I allow fear to win the day?

Was my lack of action really the right thing to do?

It was supposed to be a (relatively) relaxing train ride.

But you never know what a day is going to hold.

When I got on the train car it was really full, but there was a section where no one was sitting. I’ve been here long enough to know that when a section is empty on a train something is wrong. But with a long ride ahead (1 ½ hrs) I decided to see if what was scaring all the Indian women away from sitting here would scare me off too.

There was a mentally ill woman laying on one of the benches (where normally 4 people sit). There is a lot of superstition and fear in this culture, and people who are “crazy” have a lot of social power. Plus people are just afraid.

I gave myself a mental pat on the back for not being afraid as I sat down across from her.

It didn’t take me long to wonder if I’d have been better off standing for an hour and a half. How could I sit there for the whole ride watching someone in need, and feeling helpless to respond?! I know that I can’t offer all she deserves. But certainly I should be able to do something.

Oh, she was so tormented.

At points she would kick the air.

And argue w/ no one (that I could see)

Her clothes were dirty.

Her hair matted.

She was filthy.

I assume she lives at the train station, or on the streets somewhere. And  I know these are not safe places for women to live. I wonder how much she has suffered. How much abuse and mistreatment has she endured?

And I sit. Paralyzed. Feeling powerless. Breathing prayers for peace. Prayers for mercy.

At first she was relatively subdued. She laid by herself, and only interacted with her personal demons.

I started to eat the snack I’d packed for my breakfast, and she got agitated. She wanted my breakfast (well, she thought she did. She wouldn’t have really liked it). And she kicked me a couple times. And then the lady beside me said I should eat later. That she wouldn’t calm down as long as I was eating.

As the different snack vendors came through the train she would hassle them.

I wanted to buy her a snack.

But I didn’t.

There are so many dynamics at play in a situation like that.

How long will she be on the train?

If I buy her one snack will she harass me the rest of the ride?

What are the cultural dynamics at play?

Is this the type of situation where you honor the culture?

Or the type where you refuse to submit to a broken system?

No one else offered her anything (this is actually often a good judge of an appropriate response. On the trains I’ve seen incredibly generosity in the past – but not on this day. Not in this situation).

She moved to another section of the train, and started actively bothering the women in that section. She got more agitated, and a little more violent.

She hit one woman.

One woman got up to move and she yelled at her.

Another woman got up to move and she grabbed her sari and tried to hold her back.

She tried to grab a woman’s bag, and after the woman secured her bag, she turned to the woman who was tormented. And told her to get off the train. She told her to get off at the next station and drink some water. She told everyone that the woman wasn’t crazy, she was really clever, and knew exactly what she was doing, and was manipulating everyone (there’s a single word that communicates that idea in bangla).

And then the woman got off the train.

And the compartment was relieved.

Some women laughed.

Some were silent.

But there was a clear sense of relief in the train car.

I was conflicted.

Thankful that she was gone, and I was off the hook.

Wishing that I had been able to respond

Wondering If I’d withheld compassion, the simple, small gestures that acknowledge the humanity of another.

Had I failed to do the most simple thing possible?

Wondering if fear won the day in my heart.