hmmm

The air conditioning in my car hasn't been working. i thought it just needed a "boost" of freon...i was wrong. I took it in for the freon boost before i left for KY, and found out that the air compressor is dead. so instead of a relatively cheap repair, its a major expense (that isn't gonna happen). big fat bummer. especially since my driver window is currently stuck. i know what's wrong with it...but can't manage to fix it (even with my dad's help...). supper bummer.

i bought some coffee the other day. its organic fair trade coffee. i love it that it tells me right on the label that its fair trade. I wish that fair trade chocolate was as accessible as coffee. i know its getting more and more accessible...but you still gotta dig a little. Also, i wonder why the fair trade wasn't priced any differently than the non-fair trade of that same brand...it makes me wonder...why wouldn't everyone buy the fair trade version...and then what's the difference. is all the coffee of that brand fair trade (wasn't all labeled) and why doesn't it cost more? shouldn't it?

i keep making stupid little mistakes and its frustrating to me. one of my "strengths" (from "Strength Finders" ) is Responsibility, which means: i feel a strong need to do what i say i'll so, and to complete tasks that i've been assigned, or volunteered for. it also means that when i "drop the ball" i feel like a big fat failure...and like i've let everyone down...so little things like missing a deadline for an email i was supposed to respond to...or missing my credit card payment REALLY REALLY bother me...but i keep doing them cause of the lack of routine in my life. you would think that with so few things that i actually have to do, i could manage to do the few things left...but things keep falling between the cracks.

I tend to dislike personality assessments. they stress me out. i know there isn't a right or wrong answer...but i always think i'm going to give the wrong answer for me, and then i'm going to "get" the wrong personality. Strength Finders is my fave assessment ever (most useful to me). I did it about 5 yrs ago, and at the time i thought it fit me pretty good. Now, as i re-read those "strengths" i can see how they're even more true of me today than they were 5 yrs ago...i think that's pretty cool.

National Donut Day and other happenings...

Friday was national Donut Day, and Krispie Kream Donuts was celebrating by giving away free donuts. not a bad deal...and you even got to pick out any donut you wanted...not just the plain glazed ones! so Lydie Miri and I went for a donut (something about Elsa not having teeth...or eating any solid food yet convinced us to leave her behind w/ mom). a nice little afternoon activity!

Besides donuts, i've spent a good bit of time pushing swings, reading books, going for walks, and generally loving little girls (i've got to get in all the lovin' i can while we're still in KY, cause once we go up to MI i'll have to share them with my parents and other sisters!)...especially Elsa cause my mom and dad are baby hogs (maybe since i wrote that on my blog they'll be better at sharing...but probably not!)

We had some friends over (the Martins) - they have sons the same ages as the girls. it was tons of fun. 5 kids in a little wading pool, boys flying down the slide, good food and good conversation. today Lydie and i went to the YMCA to go swimming. they have an outdoor pool. nice!

Tomorrow is Lydie's dance recital, and she's going to VBS. I'm going to take Miri out to breakfast as a special treat. unfortunately, she loves McDonalds. i really would rather take her to Panera...but she loves those hotcakes, and is surprisingly aware and strong-willed. I don't think i can convince her that Panera is better (although her older sister did convince her that her favorite color was blue, maybe i should recruit Lydie to help...)

I've also been reading a biography of St. Francis. I was excited before i started it, and really have enjoyed the book. St. Francis has a strong influence in WMF...and i've enjoyed learning more about him.

not much else going on...enjoying time with my sister...and little girls that i love so much.

The much awaited reading list

• The Lausanne Covenant - http://www.lausanne.org/covenant
• Rich Christians in the age of hunger - Ronald J. Sider
• The Jesus I never knew - Philip Yancy
• Announcing the reign of God: Evangelization and the Subversive memory of Jesus - Mortimer Arias
• Travel well: Maintaining physical, spiritual and emotional health during International Ministry - Dr. Christine Aroney-Sine
• Life Together: The Classic Exploration of Faith in Community - Deitrich Bonhoffer
• Missions and Money: Affluence as a Western Missionary Problem - Jonathan Bonk
• Poverty - Raneiro Cantalamessa
• The Open Secret: An introduction to the theology of mission - Lesslie Newbigin
• Can You drink the cup - Henri Nouwen
• Compassion: A reflection of the Christian Life - Henri Nouwen
• In the Name of Jesus - Henri Nouwen
• The Twilight Labrynth: Why does darkness linger where it does? - George Otis Jr
• Serving as Senders - Neil Pirolo
• The Art of crossing Cultures - Craig Storti
• From Brokenness to Community - Jean Vanier
• City of Joy - Dominique Lapierre
• Guilty Without Trial - Carloyn Sleightholme, Indrani Sinha

Then there are a couple sections where you get to choose 1 of 4 books. I've chosen

• St. Francis of Assisi: A Biography - Omer Englebert
• Finding life: Reflections from a Bangkok Slum - Ashley Baker

i linked this blog in the sidebar under the "websites i love" section so you can access the list easily whenever you want :)

some recent likes and dislikes...

Dislikes:

• getting lost in a city i don't know very well - and fixing my mistake is complicated by construction blocking roads i need to get back where i want to be going (this may or may not have happened 2 days in a row...resulting in me wandering around to 15 minutes trying to get somewhere i was 2 minutes away from when i made that first fatal error)
• gas stations that don't have fountain pop (or their fountain is broken)...fountain pop is just a good thing when you're on a road trip. on my way to and from WV i stopped at really bad gas stations both times - what horrible luck!

Likes:

• NPR (or Michigan Public Radio) - i have this new obsession with public radio...i can't get enough. i listened for at least 5 hrs on my way home from WV, and i found the public radio station in Grand Rapids, so now i listed while cruising around town (does make it nicer when you're lost and wandering for 15 minutes)...and more than once when i've arrived at my destination i thought, "oh, i want to keep listening to this story..."
• Goodwill - i've had incredible luck at goodwill recently. i needed a top to match a skirt i bought in India...i found a perfect match for $2.30 at goodwill, and a bonus brand new t-shirt too (just a nice plain shirt). i also found a mug for my sister for 49 cents...and she LOVED it! plus i love that i get to use things that aren't new (reduce and reuse...or maybe its reuse and recycle...) plus not directly support any companies that use unethical business practices, and i'd rather give my money to goodwill and lots of other stores...
• Donuts with chocolate frosting and sprinkles - really, does this need an explanation?!?!
• When things are on sale that i was planning on buying anyway...its like a great surprise treat, i get what i was planning on buying, plus i save money. its a win, win, win!
• Changing recipes to make them more healthy - you know, the ole substitute applesauce for oil trick, plus i've been adding wheat flour instead of white sometimes...and most recently i found out you can use flax seed and water as a substitute for eggs! (1T milled flax seed + 3T water = 1 egg). i tried it last night...and you can't tell any difference in the recipe!

two out of three...

There are three things that i've always wanted to experience while hiking. 2 of them are Appalachian Trail specific. This weekend I got to experience 2 of them + one bonus...not a bad weekend!

1. TRAIL MAGIC!
Its somewhat common for people who have hiked before, or just really nice people who live near the trail to provide food/treats for the hikers (especially nice when you're on the trial for a long time). sometimes people do cook outs, or set out with food at trail crossings...and sometimes people leave coolers with cold drinks in the woods....that's what we found. Thanks to the nice people who left me a pepsi :) it was thoroughly enjoyed!

2. Rhododendron Blooms!

Along the trail there are lots and lots of rhododendron bushes. sometimes you walk through tunnels of the bushes. I've always wanted to see them in bloom (just seemed like it would be stunning), but i've never hiked in the right place at the right time. We were a little early, but got to hike through this section with pink flowers everywhere! i loved it...and i wasn't disappointed at all!

There are no pictures of #3, cause its still alluding me...most of you will probably think i'm crazy - but i really want to see a bear while i'm hiking. i even hiked in the Smoky Mountains and haven't seen a bear in the wild yet. And as a disclaimer, its not like i want to pet the bear or anything...a nice view of a bear at a safe distance is all i'm looking for. We were definitely in bear territory - and heard a few stories about bear incidents (including a bear that came into camp in the middle of the night and put some holes in nalgene bottles - that takes a lot of jaw strength!)...but i'm still waiting for that bear sighting...someday my bear will come.

The bonus wildlife sighting was a copperhead snake. he did startle me - just chillin in the middle of the trail like that. and we saw a turtle too :)

it was a great weekend on the trail. we had great weather, a few incredible views...and met some really cool people too. one night we had a great conversation about carbon footprints, fair trade, and the like (we really do have great luck when it comes to meeting people at shelters).

In addition to all this great stuff it was just a good rest for me. funny how walking 30 miles is rest - but it is. i continue to say that the woods are good for my soul. the stillness, the space, good conversation with merilee...all exactly what i needed. i've been pretty excited about when i'd get into the woods...looking forward to this time and really it was all that i expected it to be.

If you want to see more pics of the weekend check them out at http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=116372&id=574368454&l=2c01163b42 (you don't need to have a facebook account to view the album)

where the rubber meets the road...

I am not generally a "worrier." i tend to be pretty laid back and figure things will work themselves out. i own a house trailer that i bought 5ish years ago...and now i need to get rid of it. this situation is stressing me out. a lot. (when i think about it...). here's why (okay, so i've analyzed the situation quite a bit).

• i need to not own the trailer anymore. my friend has been living there and she is moving out (plus, i just need to get rid of it...i'm moving out the country for 3 years...).
• i don't have a job (another point of stress from time to time) - so there is a sense of urgency to me in this
• its not exactly the best time to be selling a home of any sort (to say the least)
• its a little overwhelming to consider packing up my life - sorting through my furniture, possessions, pots, pans, photo albums etc and deciding what to keep, what to give away, and what to do with what i keep
• while i know the "living in the trailer park" season of my life is over (for now) - it was a sweet season, and there is a sense of sadness in the finality of the closure (i mean...really, i have lots of great memories in that home).

so, i have this bent toward getting stressed out about the situation. this, my friends is where the rubber meets the road for me. another list...

• i bought the trailer in obedience to a work that God was doing in my heart
• i am preparing to move to Kolkata in obedience to a work that God is doing in my heart
• not owning the trailer anymore is an important piece in me being able to move to Kolkata
• shouldn't i be able to trust that God will be at work in this situation?!?! (i mean, i know there are practical action steps i need to take - but really when it comes down to it this is an issue of trust in my heart).

so - in those moments where i start to get cranked up...i'm working on taking my hands off the situation, and offering it up to the Lord. telling him this need, and trusting that he will provide and work in this situation... (not that He isn't aware of the need...but i need to release it)...and when its all said and done i'll see how he's been at work. its this very practical/tangible area in my life where i need a little more faith than i currently have, and where i'm learning to trust the Lord, His goodness, and His provision.

also...if you or anyone you know are interested in buying my trailer...feel free to send me an email or something :)

Learning to Lament

i meant to write this blog at Easter...but then i didn't, and then i put it in my newsletter - so i felt like i'd "gotten in out"...

over Easter i realized that i'm in this season where i feel like i have a lot to grieve - and i don't really know what that means, or how to do it. i don't feel like my culture does a great job of grieving. i don't feel like "the church" has taught me how to grieve either. i think generally we just bottle stuff up, stuff it down...act like everything is fine - and we don't properly grieve our losses...maybe i should stop using "we" language...i guess i can only honestly speak for myself.

so this past month i've been grieving - or at least aware of the need in my life. feeling the sadness of broken relationships, disappointment, injustice, transitions, distance between me and my friends (no matter where i am, there will be people that i love deeply who aren't physically close to me), ways "the church" has been less than i wish it was. i don't do it well. my tendency is to "move on" to "be fine." after all, its easier to be numb than to grieve. its easier to watch tv or to read a book than to feel. its easier to "leave all the junk in my suitcase" than "unpack" it (at least temporarily).

during Lent Mars Hill church did a series on grieving. i started listening to it on my way down to WV for my hiking weekend. i couldn't listen during lent...i was in too much of a whirlwind/jet lag/life in a blender season of life...but now its time. I'm thankful to be able to learn and journey in lament. i'm thankful for the resource, for a study of the book of Lamentations (not a common sermon topic...). one thought that sticks in my head is that we can't grieve with others if we have left our own grieving undone. so...with added inspiration to be healthy for myself, and for the people i love, and the friends i long to be with in Kolkata i will continue to "unpack my bags" and allow the Holy Spirit to restore me.

Lacking Motivation

the past week or so i've been lacking motivation. There are things i need to do. i know i need to do them. it is a reasonable expectation that i could do them...but i don't.

i started studying Bengali, and was very disciplined...but that's one of the things i haven't been making time to do. I have finished 2 of the books i need to read for WMF, and i have only written half of one of the reflections. if i just sat down and did it, i know they'd be done in a matter of hours...but i just can't make it happen.

I started looking for a job at the beginning of May...no luck so far (which is a little discouraging). The lack of a job makes my life even less stable. I make all these plans based on "if i get a job" and then its like i can't really plan anything cause i'm in this holding pattern.

this post is a bit of a downer...but on a positive note, i'm going backpacking this weekend...and i can't wait! i haven't been able to spend any time in the woods since i've been home...and i am really looking forward to it. oh...sweet forest, here i come!

The Little Things

I know this isn't any revolutionary concept or anything like that - but recently i've been thinking a lot about the little things, and how its the little things that make up who we are. i know "the whole is more than the sum of its parts" but i've also been thinking about how our character really is made up of lots of small seemingly insignificant decisions.



this whole line of thought started a couple weeks ago when i was visiting one of my friends. She recently lost some weight. we were talking about that process for her, and what it involved, and she pointed out that there was nothing huge that she did. it was a series of small decisions. little things....like eating rice-krispie treats for lunch instead of fudge rounds. small. seems insignificant...but let me tell you...those small decisions have resulted in big change.

I suppose the opposite is true too. people don't wake up one day and make a drastic horrible decision - rather, its those small seemingly insignificant decisions that lead them someplace they don't really want to be.

it makes me wonder about the small decisions - and what direction my life is moving in because of those decisions. Just a thought that's been rolling around in my head for the past couple weeks...thought i'd share it.

i love my mom (so i'm a few days late)

For mother's day Angela, Danae and I made my mom a German chocolate cake. she loves them...they're a lot of work...so a great Mother's day or birthday treat. We surprised her too! my friend Anna lent us her kitchen. I made the cake, Danae the frosting, and Angela made meringue by hand (she wanted to prove she could do it), and frosted the cake (which was good, cause i wasn't going to try to do the sides...but it sure looked better with them done!).

i love my mom. really, she's amazing. intelligent, beautiful, fun, strong, compassionate, committed, self-less...recently when i look at my hands i see my moms. and this past year there were multiple times when i was talking with my friends and suddenly my mom was in the room...talking through my mouth, or making gestures with my body. it was shocking. i'm not sure how she made it half way around the world to hang out with us like that...but she did. and really, its fine. more than fine. like i said, my mom is amazing...and i don't mind becoming more like her.