Sometimes i feel like i belong in the Emotional Remedial Class. like i'm so slow to figure things out about myself and what i'm actually feeling...like i really should have been able to figure this stuff out about myself much sooner than this...like i really shouldn't need this much help, or this much grace in understanding my own emotions. or maybe i could enroll in an "Understanding yourself, for dummies" class...
alas, this is where i am.
recently i've been learning about naming my emotions. what i REALLY feel (not the emotion i feel on the surface, or the one that's easier to name). and its hard work. hard for me to understand what i'm really grieving, what i really feeling, why i respond the way i do. and i've been learning that its okay for me to feel what i feel (even if it takes me a week to figure out what i'm feeling). often i think that i should just be able to get past things, or "process" and move on...i'm learning to give myself grace to feel what i need to feel. to celebrate what needs to be celebrated. to grieve what needs to be grieved. to take the time to root out the real emotion that lies beneath the superficial responses and reactions.
really, at least in Kolkata, "Anger" is my go-to emotion. at the end of a hard day or a frustrating interaction i'll come home and feel angry - but i'm learning that often, "anger" isn't actually what i feel at all. what i perceive to be anger is often fear, or frustration, powerlessness, feeling vulnerable, or taken advantage of. - and actually, its a very different thing to feel any of those things rather than anger, but i get them confused...and then i get stuck. but slowly slowly i'm learning to name what i really feel.
when i think i feel "frustrated", or "annoyed" - i'm learning that really what i'm feeling is "misunderstood" or "overwhelmed" or "sad"
it takes me time to figure the real emotion out - but its worth it. to be able to understand what i really feel, and to be able to name it...it goes a long way in being able to process the emotion. to feel it fully and properly...and eventually to move past it.
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let me know how you get to the moving past part, even with the help of the welcoming prayer, which is pretty much the only thing that helps i have a really hard time actually moving PAST things. just when i think i'm past someone will say/do something that triggers my pain and again i remember all that i felt before. i would love to hear how you are able to finally move past the feeling!
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