conflicted

It shouldn't surprise me that i'm feeling conflicted these days. its what the visible poverty and suffering of kolkata do to my spirit. it makes questions tumble around in my brain like a tennis ball in a dryer! what does simplicity mean? what does it mean to be a good steward? what is generosity?

the other day i walked by a baby - maybe 18 months old, alone sleeping on the back of a bike cart. not an adult or guardian in sight. i've seen this baby before. i know someone is taking care of him...but my brain can't quite wrap itself around the danger and risk of leaving a baby alone on a busy city street.

i walked past a woman who was begging the other day. she stabbed at my heart - but i still walked by. she didn't say anything. she didn't ask me for money. she may not have even seen me. she just sat on the sidewalk - hand outstretched, head down - almost as if she'd lost the hope that would drive her to even verbalize her needs. its not the first time i've walked by someone in a situation like this. i think the hopelessness of the person grabs me (or what i perceive to be a total lack of hope or weariness). what can i do? what should i do?

i spend in one trip to the grocery store what some of my friends earn in a month. i can afford to eat meat everyday - every meal if i want. i can afford to go to restaurants, or order take-out if i don't feel like cooking.

i can choose to take a little weekend vacation - leave the city, hang out with friends - if i want. and i know that the cost of my little vacation (while a bargain to most of us) is a month's wages (or more) to my friends.

i'm still trying to decide what furniture i want to buy - and how much money i should spend on said furniture - and again, the lives my friends lead challenge me as i think of how to furnish my home.

i am amazed by how relationships change my perspective. honestly i'm a bit "sore" from how relationships change my perspective. what does relationship mean? what if i really do consider my friends and their needs like i'd consider the needs and best interests of my family as i make decisions?

i started reading, "Simply Christian" by NT Wright (its on a the new "pre-departure reading list for WMF, but it wasn't before, so i'm reading it now...). one chapter in, its a great book. a lot caught my heart and attention, but this quote, well, seems to be the thought of the day...

"The most telling examples are the ones closest to home. I have high moral standards. I have thought about them. I have preached about them. Good heavens, I have even written books about them. And still I break them.The line between justice and injustice between things being right and things not being right, can't be drawn between "us" and "them." It run right down through the middle of each of us."

today, this week - the line that runs through the center of my heart between justice and injustice is glaringly obvious. the line between my generosity, and my clinging to the security that money seems to offer. between my selflessness and my selfishness. between action and inaction. between my aim to live a simple life, and my desire to be comfortable. between sacrifice and luxury. oh, this line down the middle of my heart - these conflicting actions and motivations, so deeply rooted in this heart of mine!

part of me thinks it would be really nice to "get past" this conflict that keeps rising up in my heart. part of me would really like to just get this stuff "nailed down" with a neatly packaged answer. but most of me dreads the potential arrival of a day when i don't feel compassion, ache, and conflicted by my own abundance and the suffering i walk past, and hear about, and choose to allow to seep into my soul.