Language Class

so i'm starting a new language class on Monday (i haven't actually committed to the class - but everyone, including myself, knows i'm gonna do it). i have mixed feelings about this class (to say the least!). when it comes down to it, if i'm really honest i feel dumb for having such a problem adjusting mentally to the reality of this class. let me explain why its such a conflict to me (it would also be slightly embarrassing if you all knew how much mental energy i've given to the start of this class, and that i've had a hard time falling asleep the past few nights partly cause my brain is racing over this language class situation)

so here are the details (maybe by blogging - and the continued conversation in my head i'll be able to make peace with the situation...which i have til monday to do)

i love my private language classes. i find them stimulating. and i'll be honest - i'm a learning snob. i don't like sharing my teacher time with other folks (except sheila - i don't mind at all, and actually quite enjoy when she's in class with me). i don't like groups. it takes attention away from me, my questions, what i want to talk about. (i said i'd be honest...what did you expect?!)

i love my current pace of learning. i've been going to class once or twice a week - which gives me plenty of time to digest what i've learned and put it into practice. it also gives me plenty of time to come up with new questions and notice things about the language that i want to have explained to me. this class is 3 days a week, from 6-8pm, which means i won't get home til 9 on M,W, F (and while i'm ranting...seriously, who wants to be in language class from 6-8, and not get home til 9pm on a Friday of all days?!)

i don't want language learning to overwhelm me. i don't feel like i can keep up with that pace and actually incorporate what i'm being taught. (and i'm just not wired to be able to do it half-way. i know that i'll have to be "all in" mentally once i commit to this) this schedule has me freaked out.

the class is expensive. (i think this has really thrown me for a loop). usually if you do group classes the cost is less than a private lesson - but its the same cost as a private class - and i'll be doing class more hrs a week than i really want to. i think what has me stressed out is that i'll be paying more for class than i want, and going more than i want - and when i thought it was going to be cheaper, it was "okay" with me that i might not absorb all i was being taught - but now that i'll be paying full price for every class, i'm annoyed that i feel like i'll be wasting money cause i know i can't learn at that pace. (its not that the money isn't available for the class...its that i don't want to spend it that way!).

and i think really at the root of it all is the "out of control ness" that this change has brought to the surface. there's a lot in this city that i can't control. and that's fine (or i work really hard to be fine with it). i think, what really bothers me about this whole thing is that i feel like i don't have any other option. this teacher - she's the best. seriously, she's amazing. so i feel painted into a corner...like my only options are to do this class (that i don't want to do) or to stop using this teacher (which i don't want to do). i think i feel like its a lose-lose situation right now.

and i feel dumb that this is such a big deal in my heart.
and i wish i could just be okay with this change.
and i'm annoyed that its thrown me for such a loop.
and i'm frustrated that apparently my "normal" here is still so fragile that something like this has been so disruptive.

all this over a language class?!?! yes. and no. i know there's deeper stuff at work in my heart right now - and that in some ways the language class just brought it to the surface.

all that to say, i have til monday to get my heart and attitude sorted out...clock is ticking.