Today.

in the early moments of the day.
my alarm has gone off a couple of times - but i haven't gotten myself out of bed yet
(oh, how i love that snooze button).

The phone rings.

It's a number that i don't recognize - but it's a california number.
and my first thought is, "Sarah is from California"
and even though she's in india - skype assigns numbers based on region...and even before i pick up the phone, i know it's Sarah.

and i know there is bad news.
because she wouldn't be calling me while I'm in America for any other reason.

Shonda died.
heart failure.
and i am numb.

it is  too far away.
i can't make sense of it.
and slowly the reality seeps in.
how can she be dead?
why do i have to say another goodbye to another one of my sisters?
I see her steady presence.
sitting by that upsairs window.
day in.
day out.
steady.
strong.
beautiful.

Today I will not go to the burning ghats.
I will not have the privilege of staying until it is finished.
 
Today I will not smell the incense.
I will not smell the crematorium.
I will not witness the rituals.
I will not bathe in the Ganges and wash away the tears.

Today I will not cry with the women of Sari Bari, as we hold and comfort one another.

Today i sit in the green garden and remember my sister.
I breathe in the peace and beauty - and sadness of this moment.
I will remember, and cry alone - separated from my sisters, as we grieve simultaneously.

Today I will feel the sadness of not seeing Shonda by that upsairs window again.
I will feel the heavy reality that she will not tease me next time I walk into sari bari, or to share her beautiful self with us anymore.

Today I sit with this loss.
I remember my hero Shonda.