afraid to dream

Sarah and I planned a 24 hr planning retreat.

We have seen the pattern over and over.

We are swept up in the urgent.

Over the course of the past 18 months we have had loss after transition after loss after transition.

We both end up doing a lot of what needs to be done – keeping our heads above water but no more than that.

We lay down our dreams and passions and do what needs to be done.

We never get to push forward into what we actually want to be doing.

For most of the past 18 months I’m not sure that either of us could have said what we want to do because there has been so much that we need to do.

So we made time in our schedules.

We carved out 24 hrs to go to a nice hotel in town and dream.

To name what we want to do

To begin to dream for what is life-giving

To set priorities for 2014

Cause there has to be some sort of balance between what needs to be done and what we we actually want to do.

There has to be a balance between what is urgent and what is important

We have to have room in our days/weeks/months for what we find life-giving.

And then there was a crisis.

And we had to leave our planning retreat and deal with it.

In the middle of our evening – when we should have been opening our hearts and minds to the possibilities and dreams that anchor us and give us energy, we were dragged into the urgent that was significant, and needed to be addressed – and was draining.

Instead of a leisurely evening feeding our bodies and souls with great food and conversation, we were sitting in the courtyard of a brothel working within the (broken) power structures and  relationships to avert a real crisis.

And we get back into the taxi and drive back to the hotel, arriving, exhausted

3 ½ hrs in taxis – 3 ½ hrs not spent allowing our hearts to unravel or breathe deeply

1 ½ hrs navigating 5 different sides to the same story, impossible to know who is telling the truth, or who to believe – 1 ½ hrs not spent navigating the desires of our hearts and the ways our passions and skills overlap with the needs and dreams for the Sari Bari community

it would be funny, or ironic that our planning retreat was disrupted by a crisis

except that it’s not.

And then…

A lovely dinner to re-orient ourselves, and try to engage what is left of this time…

A leisurely breakfast – beginning to dream

Setting priorities

Thinking about concrete steps forward

And then some space.

To dream.

To think

To plan

To sit with the possibilities of what could be

To think about how I would like to spend my time

And how to spend my time intentionally

Oh, it is life-giving, and invigorating

And then, I realize – in some ways I am afraid of this.

I am afraid to dream.

I am afraid to hope that this time around I might get to actually invest in what I’ve just spent the morning dreaming of.

Because it feels like every time we drag ourselves out of a hole, we are pulled back in by the next loss, or the next crisis

It feels like every time we catch our breath from the last wave that pounded us, another wave comes to slam us backwards again.

Every time I catch a glimpse of what I would like my schedule to look like, and what I would like to develop here, the urgent comes to cloud it over and demand my time and energy.

So we eek out a dream.

I write down a schedule

We introduce intention into the chaos.

And hope (against all odds).

That this time will be different.