expectations, disapointment, and the surprise-twist ending

About a year ago I went to visit some dear friends/mentors in Colorado. I was talking with them about some things I was wrestling with, and trying to find a way forward with. They encouraged me to be proactive. They encouraged me to have some hard conversations, as a way of finding closure/a way forward where I felt stuck.  And they encouraged me to clearly understand my expectations before the conversations. Then Beth told me some stories from her own life where she was disappointed, but in hindsight can see that her disappointment is really due to her own expectations not being met. The people who had disappointed her hadn’t done anything wrong. She had unrealistic expectations, and that was the true source of her disappointment.

I took their advice to heart on both counts. And they were right. The conversation was incredibly hard. And afterward, I was so sad, but I was not disappointed, cause it went according to my expectations. I expected an honest conversation, and I expected that circumstances wouldn’t change. I expected that I would need to draw hard boundaries so I could move toward health.  And while I was open to a different ending – better than my expectations, I wasn’t planning on, or hoping for that. In the end,  I wasn’t disappointed, because my expectations were met.

In the wake of lots of transitions in my community, and being emotionally tired, it is easy for me to move into unhealthy emotional space and coping mechanisms. It is easy to lose balance on important things like expectations, and it is easy to blame other people for the chaos/out –of-control-ness/disappointments that I feel.  So I’ve been thinking about disappointments recently. I’ve been thinking about the things in my life that aren’t what I imagined they’d be. I’ve been thinking about hard circumstances that I find myself in the middle of. I’ve been thinking of those moments when I look into someone else’s life and think, “why do they get that, and I don’t?!” and then I remember things about comparison, and disappointment, and expectation.

I think about how easy it is to forget all of the gifts and blessings that I do have. How easy it is to mentally make a trade of all of  blessings I do have for the few that I think I need (as if those would somehow magically fulfill me).

I think of my propensity to compare. To look at what other people have, and somehow not see the abundance of my own life.

I think that I must be an incredibly entitled person if I believe that somehow I “deserve” more. I mean, really, where does that expectation come from? Why do I believe it’s my “right” to have more? To have it all? To live the dream? That sort of entitlement is deep rooted. And oh how I’m working to root it out. Cause entitlement is ugly. Entitlement is the root of so many ugly things. Grasping. Greed. Taking what is not mine.  Disappointment. Entitlement and expectations steal joy. Seriously. They have this power that blinds me to my overflowing life and give me laser focus on the things I don’t have.  And that is no way to live.

It’s like the child yelling, “mine!” or “I want it!” or the jealousy over a sibling getting more dessert than they did. Like I said. It’s ugly.  

I recently read a book by Cheryl Strayed, in which she is addressing a young woman who is incredibly disappointed because her expectations are not being met. Here’s what Cheryl says, “So here’s the long and short of it. There is no why. You don’t have a right to the cards you believe you should have been dealt. You have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones you’re holding. And, dear one, you and I both were granted a mighty generous hand.”

And isn’t that ultimately the surprise twist that changes everything? Nothing but my own perspective. When I stop seeing what I don’t have, when I stop seeing un-met expectations, when I stop focusing on what I wished I had, and instead fix my eyes on what I do have.  When I choose to revel in the incredibly generous hand I have been dealt. When I breathe deep the abundance, and beauty, and un-deserved blessing that overflow all over my life.

This is the perspective that I want to define how I live. This is the perspective that I am pressing into.