different

i don't know how to tell this story.
i don't know how to say it, or explain it without being rambling or chaotic.
i don't know how to communicate the depth of how different i feel, how different am without sounding like a total nutter.

here's what i can say.

while i was in Thailand (at a conference/retreat that i wasn't thrilled about going to...let's just be honest here - i went kicking and screaming - full of reasons why i didn't want to be there...and places i'd rather be (like the christening of my God-daughter, for example)) the Lord did some deep, deep, profound work in my heart.

i don't know how to say it beyond that...all the things that come out of my mouth sound so cliche (and simultaneously so true).

...it's like something like scales fell off my eyes and now i can see.
...or like the world has shifted into focus.
...it's like i'm free...and skipping through a field of flowers (i warned you it would sound cliche).
...it's like i can't stop talking about what the Lord did in me. for me.
...it's like i was a beggar who found a feast.
...it's like i've been walking around with a millstone around my neck...it's weight crushing me and suddenly i am free of it.

to borrow a line from a TV show i love (i'm so cheesy...and i don't care) - "I had enough hate in my heart to start a car."

it was as if the Lord was slowly drawing me toward Himself. slowly. gently. drawing. inviting. calling. beckoning. in ways i couldn't see or understand.
doing slow and gentle work.
loosening lament and grief, doubt and the dark parts of me.
rooting out the violence and hate.
using voices of my friends
using time to sit in His presence.
using dreams, and seemingly flipiant conversations.
and using the prayers, presence and willingness of strangers.
i have forgiven.
i have received forgiveness.


and now i'm home.

and i see this city, my work, and my relationships (and myself) with very different eyes.
it's as if i'm getting re-acquainted with some of the best parts of me that have been dormant for far to long (i can't even tell you how long).

i walk to work and i think, "oh my word, i love this city. i love living here. i can't believe i get to live here."
and i sit in the office and i sing to myself as the day goes on.
i walk into SB and think, "oh my word...i can't believe i get to be a part of this."
in the morning i want to spend time with the Lord before i start my day.
joy is replacing cynisim.
i see what work is mine...and what work is the Lord's
i am breathing deeply in a way where life was choked out before. 

i have lived in a dry and weary land where there was no water for a long time (i made that dry and weary land through conscious and unconscious decisions i'd made)...and now a flood of joy and peace and love are soaking into what was the drought cracked earth of my soul.

I am returning to the joy of my salvation.

and it feels ridiculous (and vulnerable) to say any of this out loud.
i know that hard days will come again.
i know loss will come.
there will be more funerals.
there will be days when my entire being cries out against the injustice that is unfolding before my eyes...and i will be powerless to stop it. my efforts will not be enough.
there will be more HIV.
there will be more domestic abuse.
and there will be more men in this city that will treat me like an object.
there will be days when it all feels like too much. when i am tired.

i know that i won't always feel like and joyful and "floaty."

i also know that the Lord did a deep deep work in my heart.
a work that is bigger than circumstances.
he straightened out the crooked path that my heart had become.
he has restored me.
he is restoring me.

i am different.