She's a fighter....

I live in the tension between hope and cynicism (maybe we all do). Some days i feel like my heart, my very soul are stuck in a never ending tug-o-war.

I hope for restoration.
I believe in redemption.
I believe no story is finished.
I believe that our past does not have to define our future.
I believe in new life, new patterns, freedom.
I believe that grace is abundant - and no one, no circumstance is beyond the One who is Hope.

At least that's what i say i believe. That's what i want to believe. That what i long to be true. it's how i try to live.

But there is another voice in my head.
"reality" or really, let's just be honest here and call that voice cynicism.
What are the odds that new life really will come?
There are too many things stacked against her.
The way it has always happened is how it will happen again, eventually.
Oh really, this time is gonna be different?!

This cynicism, i use it to guard my heart. it's an ugly crutch...cause the problem is when you dare to hope and dream, and work, and invest...and then things don't work out the way you hoped it's pretty devastating. It hurts. It's disorienting. you've invested yourself...your very self...and then you feel crushed.

Last week, in my corner of the world, hope lost a few rounds. in a big way.

And i carried a heavy heart into the weekend with me. the tension. the struggle. the tug-o-war in my heart. Then, on Sunday night I had some friends over to celebrate Advent. we sat together in my living room, and talked about the tension of hope and cynicsm. How do we navigate it? and what does it mean to hope. If we say we believe in the One who is Hope, what does that mean here and now? What does it mean to wait expectantly when hope just got knocked out, and is passed out in the corner? What does it mean to be "the midwife of another world" when you hoped and worked, and did all you could...and the situation is still broken and ugly and wrong?

Strangely (or maybe not so strangely) - i think i'm getting better at waiting out the dark days. I've been around this block a few times...and when Hope loses a round, or loses the day...i know it's not the end (although, in ways it certainly feels like the end). I've seen dark days give way to light before. I've seen "beauty for ashes" lived out in front of me. It doesn't mean that my heart isn't heavy...and it doesn't mean that i don't grieve...it doesn't mean there aren't tears. But it does mean that carry a sense (even if it's just a quiet whisper) that the story isn't over.

Because Hope, she's a fighter. Sure she might lose a day. She might lose a couple rounds...but she's a fighter. She'll pick herself up...dust herself off...and get right back at it. Sometimes she's quick about her work...other times she takes longer....but she's a fighter...you can't deny that...

...cause you might have spent the weekend grieving, and with a heavy heart...and then on Monday morning, you might go to work...and there Hope is...sure, she might have taken a beating...but she dragged herself back into the ring for another day.