sometimes my attitude/perspective/behavior is like a wildly swinging pendulum.
This morning i had to go to a hospital to clear up some paperwork for a friend. I'd never been to this hospital before (and while i was armed with great directions from Sheila, finding new places usually turns out to be at least a bit of an adventure).
I got in a cab (cause it's a sunday...and Sundays are for taxis)...and off we went. I was sitting there in the back seat enjoying the ride. I love Kolkata in the early morning. the roads are clear, the city is waking up. the light is beautiful. there are colorful fruit stands, shop keepers setting up for the day...i really enjoy it. And then the cab driver went the way where we drove by the big park in the middle of the city...which i absolutely LOVE doing on Sunday mornings. Even though it was early, the park was full of people out playing and enjoying the day off...more "pick up" cricket and soccer games than i could count.
so there i was...sitting in the back of the cab, listening to great music enjoying my morning.
...and then we drove past where i thought i was supposed to get out. and i told the guy to stop so i could get down...and he said the road i needed was a one way and he was going to just drive around the block to drop me off...at which point i start to get annoyed, and frustrated...and i guess maybe even "afraid" that i'm being taken advantage of. so he drives this HUGE block, way out of the way...and i no longer know where i am...and i start to feel very out of control and vulnerable...and i start telling him how he's wandering around, and i would have just gotten out of the car back when i said...and how this is bad. and then he just stops the cab - NOT at the hospital i'm supposed to go...and tells me that it's a one way and he can't get me there. and tells me to get out.
...and this is where i absolutely lose it. i am not a short-tempered person. In my "normal" life in america i don't yell at people...i tend to avoid confrontation...but i lost it. I look at the guy and say to him in English, "are you kidding me?!" and then launch into Bangla berrating him for wandering all around and running the meter, and how we just drove a huge loop and were right back were we started and now he's gonna tell me to get out of the cab here?!?!? so he says, "no, sit, i will take you there" but by this point i am angry and defensive...and convinced i'm being ripped off...so i try to get out of the cab, but my sweater is caught in the door, so i frantically try to get my sweater loose, yell that i am not gonna sit in his car any more, throw my money on the back seat, storm out of the car and slam the door. (man at the tea stall across the street said, "calm down madam" if that's any clue as to what sort of a scene i was making).
i angrily walk away trying to find the hospital...end up walking the wrong direction for a few minutes, and then have to back track...and end up walking past the point the taxi dropped me off (at which point i realize that while he had wandered around, he hadn't dropped me off where i thought i was...it still wasn't where he was supposed to drop me off, but it wasn't what i thought either). and i begin to acknowledge how ugly my behavior was...and how wrong and unkind...how i'd assumed and attacked. i began to regret my words and my actions. i eventually find the hospital i was looking for...and that part of the errand was really smooth.
but i'm left with the somewhat funny, but mostly embarrassing memory of how rude i was to the taxi driver, and how i freaked out, and yelled and assumed...wondering what sort of impression i left on him, and wishing i could apologize. i'm left wondering where that anger and all that emotion came from (i have some ideas...deeper ways that i feel out of control, or fearful, or vulnerable that i projected into this taxi ride). and i'm left realizing that today i was a part of the problem...spreading anger and hate and judgement and not love, hope or kindness.
how do i swing so quickly from enjoying a beautiful morning to anger, defense and true ugliness? usually i justify my words or actions in situations like that...making lists of all the reasons why it's okay for me to demand or yell or defend...but today i just feel, well, i guess the right word is "repentant." today i am grieved.
i wish i could find that guy and apologize...
This morning i had to go to a hospital to clear up some paperwork for a friend. I'd never been to this hospital before (and while i was armed with great directions from Sheila, finding new places usually turns out to be at least a bit of an adventure).
I got in a cab (cause it's a sunday...and Sundays are for taxis)...and off we went. I was sitting there in the back seat enjoying the ride. I love Kolkata in the early morning. the roads are clear, the city is waking up. the light is beautiful. there are colorful fruit stands, shop keepers setting up for the day...i really enjoy it. And then the cab driver went the way where we drove by the big park in the middle of the city...which i absolutely LOVE doing on Sunday mornings. Even though it was early, the park was full of people out playing and enjoying the day off...more "pick up" cricket and soccer games than i could count.
so there i was...sitting in the back of the cab, listening to great music enjoying my morning.
...and then we drove past where i thought i was supposed to get out. and i told the guy to stop so i could get down...and he said the road i needed was a one way and he was going to just drive around the block to drop me off...at which point i start to get annoyed, and frustrated...and i guess maybe even "afraid" that i'm being taken advantage of. so he drives this HUGE block, way out of the way...and i no longer know where i am...and i start to feel very out of control and vulnerable...and i start telling him how he's wandering around, and i would have just gotten out of the car back when i said...and how this is bad. and then he just stops the cab - NOT at the hospital i'm supposed to go...and tells me that it's a one way and he can't get me there. and tells me to get out.
...and this is where i absolutely lose it. i am not a short-tempered person. In my "normal" life in america i don't yell at people...i tend to avoid confrontation...but i lost it. I look at the guy and say to him in English, "are you kidding me?!" and then launch into Bangla berrating him for wandering all around and running the meter, and how we just drove a huge loop and were right back were we started and now he's gonna tell me to get out of the cab here?!?!? so he says, "no, sit, i will take you there" but by this point i am angry and defensive...and convinced i'm being ripped off...so i try to get out of the cab, but my sweater is caught in the door, so i frantically try to get my sweater loose, yell that i am not gonna sit in his car any more, throw my money on the back seat, storm out of the car and slam the door. (man at the tea stall across the street said, "calm down madam" if that's any clue as to what sort of a scene i was making).
i angrily walk away trying to find the hospital...end up walking the wrong direction for a few minutes, and then have to back track...and end up walking past the point the taxi dropped me off (at which point i realize that while he had wandered around, he hadn't dropped me off where i thought i was...it still wasn't where he was supposed to drop me off, but it wasn't what i thought either). and i begin to acknowledge how ugly my behavior was...and how wrong and unkind...how i'd assumed and attacked. i began to regret my words and my actions. i eventually find the hospital i was looking for...and that part of the errand was really smooth.
but i'm left with the somewhat funny, but mostly embarrassing memory of how rude i was to the taxi driver, and how i freaked out, and yelled and assumed...wondering what sort of impression i left on him, and wishing i could apologize. i'm left wondering where that anger and all that emotion came from (i have some ideas...deeper ways that i feel out of control, or fearful, or vulnerable that i projected into this taxi ride). and i'm left realizing that today i was a part of the problem...spreading anger and hate and judgement and not love, hope or kindness.
how do i swing so quickly from enjoying a beautiful morning to anger, defense and true ugliness? usually i justify my words or actions in situations like that...making lists of all the reasons why it's okay for me to demand or yell or defend...but today i just feel, well, i guess the right word is "repentant." today i am grieved.
i wish i could find that guy and apologize...
1 comment:
Thanks for your honesty.
Today I near lost my temper in a public restroom because people kept cutting in line (if there was a line) and after 10min of waiting, I still wasn't in a stall. So I just left, cried, and found another bathroom.
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