too much to say...

merry christmas...and happy new year.
i just got back from a trip to Thailand. we left the day after Christmas.
we had a regional retreat...and it was incredible.

Christmas was good and beautiful...and really hard in some ways (to be honest).

my brain is all over the map - not quite sure what i'm thinking/feeling or should write about...

so one of the things that i've been working on/growing into is "using my voice" at times when i should. sometimes i just get frustrated by what's going on - and don't do anything except get frustrated. so i've been praying about how to find my voice, and what that could and should look like in practical ways. speaking up gently - but appropriately. so today, i did it. i was standing in a line (almost always a frustrating experience over here!) and a man very clearly walked in front of me in the line and boldly made a place for himself. normally i would just get annoyed that i wasn't being respected (that's my cultural perspective - maybe not reality, but how i view it). so i decide i need to speak up - otherwise i'm just gonna be angry the whole time we wait in the line. so i say, "Excuse me sir, but i am in line here" - he responds by explaining that his friends are in line, and there are 4 of them - so he should be able to be in line with them. we went back and forth a bit - but ultimately he just stayed where he thought he belonged...and i felt really annoyed - but at least i used my voice. honestly, it didn't feel like much of a victory - but i'm sure in some way it was. at least i used my voice - even if it was ignored...

i feel like that's a really weird story. i just wrote about standing in a line - and it didn't have a happy ending, actually....on to a better story.

so one of the things that i've seen and said (and believed) quite a bit recently is the truth of how the Lord puts the lonely in families. as we celebrated Christmas together - i felt separated from my family - and also loved and cared for, and placed in a new family in so many beautiful and tangible ways.

one of the losses i feel in being far from family is that i don't get to be with my nieces. i don't verbalize this very often - but its deep in my heart. as i write this i just keep thinking, "this is actually really sad" and i don't feel like i can really express how i feel. anyway...for the past week i've been hanging out with our Thailand field - Tim and Amy, and their daughters Ella and Ariel (they're 2 and 3 yrs old)...and that, well, that was just beautiful. i've been thinking (and saying) that the time that i got to spend with Ella and Ariel was a grace. playing in the sand. swinging girls around. playing in the ocean. snuggling and watching a movie - it was all a grace...like the Lord saw this sad place in my heart - and met me in it. (and for the record - while tim and amy are adults, so the grace of their presence looks really different - it was also really amazing to get to be with them so much!).

i don't feel like i explained this very well at all - but it's the best i can do, for now.

and to sum up Thailand (on a very superficial level) - it was awesome...like a wonderland (and with that allow me to make the disclaimer that part of loving Thailand so much is that i dont live and work there - and when you're in a "retreat" or "vacation" frame of mind - well...its just really different than when you live in a place and invest in it - and allow your heart to be broken...and know the realities of a place).

i got to indulge in lots of things that i usually don't have access to...
the city was clean
the cars don't honk all the time
Burger King (and cheese-burgers)
7-11 stores (slupees and oreos)
Dunkin Donuts
Starbucks (and they even had Peppermint Mochas!)
a mexican restaurant
wearing shorts in public
Thai street food (so good. so good)
and then we went to the beach...the beach.

so - happy new year. hope this post isn't too random!