Slow...

Recently i've been learning all sorts of things about myself.

I've got lots of thought rumbling around in this head of mine. things i hope to be able to articulate someday - but that day is not today.

this is what i can say today...

i'm realizing that i'm slow to process things in my life. it takes me time to feel and process and grieve things like hurt and rejection and loss.

i like to build walls around my heart - and deny, and be "strong enough" and numb my heart. at the time these all seem like much better coping mechanisms that feeling and hurting and grieving. but slowly, i'm learning new patterns, new behaviors. i'm learning new things about myself.

i've wavered back and forth about if i should blog about this or not - but it seems (for better or for worse) that its what's on my mind...and unless i say something about this, i don't seem to have anything to say at all...so, here goes...

in mid-october one of my friends Kati died... it was sudden and jarring. so i'm learning to grieve in new ways. last weekend Sheila and I went to Dhaka to visit with some of Kati's other friends, and her husband Musa. That trip - along with some insightful time with Sarah is opening up my heart to feel and grieve and cry and question.

and i know its gonna take some time. and that's okay...and i think i just needed to put that out there.