receiving

one of the things we could sign up for during our free time at the retreat was a time of one on one intercessory prayer. (this was being pitted against much more exciting things like, pedicures, massages, and free (awesome) haircuts).

so we'd all signed up for all the other things and we're standing by the table when sarah says, "I feel like i should sign up for the prayer time" - and she does. next thing you know beth and sheila have also signed up for their time, and i'm left standing there thinking, "there are a whole lot of things i would rather do than be vulnerable with a complete stranger about the things closest to my heart that i'd like to have prayed about" - but i gave into peer pressure and signed up for a time.

and let's be honest, then i spent quite a bit of time between the sign up and the actual time (24 hrs later) thinking of ways to "get out of" the prayer time (it was cutting into my beach time - which was already cut short by all the other awesome relaxing things i'd signed up for). my desire to attend my prayer time was also greatly inhibited by the fact that i failed to write down the time - so i could only depend on my memory...and still wasn't feeling great about the whole "vulnerability with a stranger" deal.

so i make it to my prayer appointment - just a few minutes late...and she asks me how i am - and i almost immediately start crying. and i realize, "she expects nothing out of me" - i don't have to be strong enough. i don't have to fight. i don't have to be or do anything. she just wants to know how i am, and how she can support and pray for me...and it was so beautiful and freeing.

and then it got me thinking - about how everything i do in this city is a fight. i fight for dumb things (like a spot in a nonexistent line, or service, or a fair price), i fight for personal space, and respect from men, i fight to understand and be understood (just the basic language) in almost every interaction...and we fight for bigger, true, beautiful things too - like hope and restoration, and sustainability and sabbath.

and all this fighting - it makes me tired. and sometimes i get so overwhelmed and tired out by the dumb things that i have to fight for - that i feel too tired to fight for the things that i want to fight for. and all this fighting also puts this shell around my heart...and in the midst of the retreat - this beautiful space for worship and rest, and to be loved...it took me a solid 24 hrs before i could stop fighting and receive...but man, once i did, it was beautiful. so beautiful.

i felt cared for. and loved. and like i didn't have to fight.