the pearl

my friend Sarah is pretty much amazing. she's fun and beautiful - and full of wisdom.

a few weeks ago while we were on our retreat in Goa she shared some reflections that have been bobbing around in my head - so i thought i'd pass them on.

there's that parable that Jesus tells - about the pearl of great price. the man who finds a pearl in a field, and then goes and sells everything he has so he can buy the field and own the pearl. and at the end of the parable we all (or at least i) think, "way to go" or, "what a happy ending...he got his pearl...he won." and those things are true.

...but there's more to it. you see...he sold EVERYTHING he had to buy the field to get the pearl. and the pearl is that valuable. its worth it...but did you ever wonder how he felt the first night he slept out in the field with his pearl...since he didn't have anywhere else to go? i mean, sure, he got the pearl...and he also got a field. that's it. i lot of dirt. and a pearl.

i bet there were moment where he thought he was crazy. i know there were. after all...here i am, sitting with the pearl...in a field.

the pearl - well, for me, i feel like i can name some of the things that the pearl represents in my life.
Sari Bari
Freedom
Hope
restoration
beautiful women who love me and hug me (and tell me they don't like my haircut...and that my hair is turning grey)
sarah.
beth.
kyle.
sheila.
upendra
radaha
gita
sheela
laughter
community
the way the Lord is drawing me to himself and refining me in new ways through this season

and i know there are also things that are "the pearl" - and i have no idea yet what they are. as i continue to live here and make my life here - i'll continue to receive from the Lord - new gifts. new understanding. i'll be surprised by beauty and hope and relationships and restoration.

this pearl...its worth it.

but on to the field...there's also this dimension that in order to receive this pearl, i also bought the "field" of kolkata...and let's be honest, this city has its moments (to say the least). the noise. the metro (the other day as i threw elbows, and pushed with all my strength to squeeze myself off the metro - well, lets just say i wasn't so thrilled with the "field" that came with my pearl!). honestly, i could go on and on about the things that i don't like about this city - but i'm not going to. there are certainly times when this city takes all the energy and joy out of me...but i'm not in one of those seasons right now...(thank God!)

what i've been thinking of recently is more the idea of "selling everything" - and that sounds so stoic or extreeme...it makes it sound like i've made some intense sacrifice to be here (and in some ways i have)...but that's not generally how i feel. but these past few weeks have been a season where i've been realizing in new ways some of what i gave up to live here...

...i think its normal.
...i think in some ways its a symptom of reality setting in that i chose to live in a country 30 hrs of travel away from most of my friends and family
...i think it's about time i feel this way (i am about 11 months into this)
...i think this is one of the differences between doing something for a year, and putting down roots.

but as i realize things that i gave up to be here - my heart has to grieve those things. i have to, or i can't live here in a healthy, sustainable way. man, who knew i'd learn so much about grieving this year?!

and these days, as i (again) count the cost, as i understand in news ways what it means for me to live here (in its beauty and its hardness) - i wouldn't change my mind about being here...i still love the pearl...i'm just grieving the things i left behind.