Not Spontaneous

So my latest "self-revelation" is that i am not spontaneous.

i think people who are spontaneous are really cool.
they're fun.
they have great stories to tell from adventures that blossom out of nowhere.
i want to be spontaneous.
i think i "should" be spontaneous.
sometimes i try to fool myself into thinking i'm spontaneous.
but i'm not.

i didn't like it when a friend recently made this observation about me, "so, for you having a plan is really important." i want to rail against the idea that i need order, or a plan. i want to be spontaneous.

i think that i think if i need order, or a plan then that makes me a control-freak (or that when taken to an extreme i'm a control-freak)...and that's not who i want to be either.

but last night in the course of about 15 mintues i realized that my plan for monday and tuesday would probably have to be different than what i expected for those days...and suddenly i became very grumpy and irritated.

when i woke up this morning (to an absolutely beautiful morning) i was grumpy from the start (partially because i hate mornings, but also) because i didn't know what my morning would hold, and it wasn't working out the way i planned it to - the way i wanted it to.

thankfully i got a do-over today. was able to figure out plans...and was able to enjoy a great conversation with my mom and dad...and a peaceful morning too.

i know that being in transition exacerbates the "worst" parts of who i am...i know that when life is more stable changes in plans don't affect me so much. but for today, i think i'll just have to admit to myself that i'm not spontaneous...and that's okay (i'll work on that part!).