s words

no, i'm not talking about that hilarious Saturday Night Live sketch of "Celebrity Jeopardy" where "Shawn Connery" keeps saying "swords" instead of "s-words."

between last night and this morning God has been at work in my heart...revealing Himself in ways that are good...and hard.

the first S word that God is "calling me out on" is submission. i realized (after some reflection on last year when i was in transition...and a bit of reflection on the state of my heart now) that i'm not very good at submission. i'm in this "limbo" season of life where i'm committed to people and groups - but all in a very loose way that allows me to submit when i want to...but its really easy to "get away" with not submitting when i don't want to. I sense it in my spirit in dumb ways, like insisting i'm right over stupid things that don't matter. and in the small ways i put myself before others. it's painful to see a pattern or attitude of my heart like that - and at the same time i'm so thankful that God is at work revealing Himself in me - and continuing to gently refine me. i'm not sure exactly what it means...how to start changing this attitude. for now i'd guess that first step will be adding a question about submission to the weekly questions my small group asks me - holding me accountable on this journey (i sure am glad i have them to walk with me!).

the second S word is "sacrificial." i got a letter from Word Made Flesh. it was an end of the year request for funding. and it was great...i loved how they communicated their needs - and how to continue partnering with them as an organization. the last paragraph caught me though. it was a simple request to consider how God may be prompting me to respond to the need and then there was this phrase, "and dare i ask, sacrificially." and i realized that i've been in a season of transition which by nature tips toward lack of discipline or routine - especially in terms of my finances...and i realize that while i may be investing in the kingdom in different ways i am not doing so in a way that "costs me." its been awhile since i've given in a way that caused me to deny myself...and that is not how i want to live.

so my spirit is restless, and a bit sensitive after the loving rebuke of the Holy Spirit...how do these truths get fleshed out in my actions? what does it mean for me to live with a spirit of submission? and what does it mean for me to give sacrificially, this Christmas season...but also as a discipline/pattern in my life. i don't know. i just don't know yet...but i know that God is faithful to complete what He began in me...and these revelations are obviously His work.