the rest of the story...

while i was still in India i posted about a little boy on my way home one night - and how Karli and I talked with him, and we bought him biscuits, and he was so happy, and smiled so big. I talked about how hard it is to know how to give in Kolkata - and how i wrestle with all sorts of emotions as i tried to figure out how to respond to a need...and how often even when i give tangibly i walk away feeling like a jerk. but there was that smile that night...

well, a few nights later, maybe a week, i was in the same place, on the way home...and i think it was the same little boy begging. i'm not sure though. I was in a hurry, and i had a huge bag of things...it was hectic...and there was this little boy, again, asking. begging....only this time he was mean. he grabbed onto my arm and wouldn't let go. i tried to talk to him. i tried to be kind. he just pulled and pulled my arm to the point where it really hurt. i had to use my "mean voice" and tell him not to hold my arm...and then i had to literally pry my arm away from him. he was asking for money, and then when i said no, he asked for biscuits.

this was an interaction that i walked away from feeling even worse than normal. I hate it when i have to be mean. i hate it when i have to use my stern voice. when i have to pry my arm away...but sometimes, that's all there is to do. Usually it happens near Prem Don. There are lots of kids who beg there, asking for chocolate, or water bottles, or whatever you have to offer. Most of the time i would talk with them, and walk for awhile...and it was good...but a couple times i had really bad interactions. A couple times when i had to use my mean voice, when i had to be really stern. And once a girl was so mad that she actually kicked me in the butt as i walked by her.

And while my initial thought was that the boy was wrong. He shouldn't have pulled my arms. he shouldn't have been so pushy. what was "wrong" with him...maybe i need to look at myself. my heart. my lack of time. my un-willingness to give...can i really blame him for asking from me...since i'd given in the past? who's to say i wouldn't do the same thing if i was in his shoes?

just like i don't know exactly why i posted the story about the little boy in the first place, i don't know why i posted the rest of the story. maybe so you could have a more complete picture. maybe cause sometimes Kolkata is hard...when you least expect it. Maybe so you could just know the whole story.