a hard day

Yesterday was a hard day for me in terms of the obvious need in Kolkata. I was just overwhelmed by need...and lack of provision...and by the apparent lack of hope. i was walking down the street...and there was a car stopped...and these little girls were just knocking on the windows...begging. and i know there are all sorts of different ways to view begging and how to respond...but regardless of how you look at it, these girls are in need...and they're not in school...and their lives don't have a whole lot of visible hope. i ride in a rickshaw past thousands of people everyday trying their best, working so hard just to survive another day...working in a little shop, restaurant employees, rickshaw pullers, delivery men, "construction" workers Sometimes its hard to see the hope here. i know i've said that before...but yesterday was just one of those days when i didn't see much hope...and i needed to be reminded of the One who is Hope. i know the fingerprints of God are all of Kolkata...sometimes they're just hard to find.

it was also a day where God was at work in my heart. without boring you with the details, lets just say that i had a bit of a bad attitude yesterday morning...and for no really good reason. Now, externally you wouldn't have known how grumpy i was...but my heart was very grumpy...and ugly. I was sitting in a coffee shop, journaling, and God hit me in the face with the way that i handle community. I'm pretty decent at submitting externally (usually) - but i realized that while my body, mouth, and actions are submitting...my heart is far from submission...and i have a horrible attitude internally when things don't go the way i think they should, or when things happen a different way that i would do them. I may be going along with the plan...but all the while i'm thinking how dumb it is...and how much i don't want whatever is happening to happen. And i sat there just broken...broken over the state of my heart, and how it robs me of the joy of true submission. and so...i've begun praying that God will help me to have a submissive heart, as well as actions - and that the two can come into line with one another. i know that it won't be a quick change...but i also know that i long to live in true community with other believers...and that i've been asking God to reveal to me what that means...and what changes i need to make in order to be in community...and as always, when we ask, God is willing to reveal Himself...and sometimes it hurts.

we stopped to see our friends who live in the slum yesterday - Rozi, Sazda and Sazi. they're sisters, and they have 2 more sisters and 2 brothers. our language teacher gave us some bengali children's rhymes, so we could practice our pronunciation. and i got them out...and started saying them...and the kids quickly finished the rhymes. it was fun to be with them.

also, at Sari Bari i got to review English with 3 of the ladies. it was fun to teach...and good to be there!