a new day.

It’s a new day. yesterday I went and made the first payment of the deposit for my new flat.

It’s a big day. 

It’s a loaded day…

I’ve been looking (although not always very aggressively) for a new place to live for the past 11 months.

I put “move” on my self-care plan for 2012. I knew there were lots of variables that would impact my ability to move to a new flat…so back in May I moved into Sheila’s old room…cause that was a move that I could control…and I didn’t move all my stuff…and I didn’t paint it…external signs of my internal hope that it was a temporary move.

There’s a lot a love about BK Paul (that’s what we call the flat I live in now)…it’s big…so we can have great parties…the kitchen is great…a beautiful balcony, and I have great memories in this flat. There are 3 years of life in this flat. It’s been my home…the place I come home to at the end of the day – no matter how good or hard the day has been the days have ended with that (sometimes very long) walk up 5 flights of stairs. It is my home. There are moments of great celebration woven into this space. Incredibly fond memories, sacred moments,laughter, play, parties, intimacy, knowing and being known…and there is also intense grieving and sadness scattered all over this flat. Long nights, questions, tears, deep grieving, letting go. (and let’s not forget how loud it is! Every time there is a hindu holiday all the gods parade past our house on their way to the river…complete with marching bands, drum, and sometimes fireworks…at all hours of the night)

BK Paul has been my home. It’s where I “grew up” in Kolkata. It’s where I put my roots down. It’s the way I know life here. It’s the way our community has operated for the past 3 years that I’ve been here.

And as much as I love (and sometimes hate) BK Paul…I know it’s time for a change (I think part of being an adult is choosing to do things you know are good for you…even when they’re hard, I mean, you also can eat cake for breakfast if you want, and popcorn for dinner…but there is the occasional downside to adulthood…). Beth (somewhat jokingly) has likened BK Paul to a “bad boyfriend that you just can’t break up with” – like there’s enough good about the relationship that is keeps you on the hook…even long after you know the relationship is over…or at least should be over! But it’s time for change.

So yesterday I did it…I went and put the beginning of the deposit down on a few flat.

It’s not everything I hoped it will be…but there are lots of things I do love about it. I think it will be a good home for me, and it’s exciting to begin dreaming about living in my new home…and what it will take for that new space to truly become home. 

It’s a new day folks. It’s been a long time coming…and I’m so thankful (and overwhelmed, and nervous and a bit sad) it’s here!