worth celebrating

In January of 2009 I visited WMF Kolkata. At that point I’d already submitted my application to join the staff and spend 3 years at Sari Bari. The path had been set. During that time I was talking with Beth and she encouraged me to figure out ways to take care of myself when I came back. What would it take for me to be healthy here? What would it take for me to thrive?

And I listened to Beth…to her recommendations. To her warnings. And I began to think about what it would take for me to live well in Kolkata. I began to voice that I wanted to live in such a way that when it came time to decide if I would “renew my contract” or not that I would be able to make a decision. I didn’t want to be so broken and/or burned out that I would need to go home…I wanted to be able to decide. So this idea of being able to decide has been on my radar for 3 years…it’s been my goal…it’s been my filter. I’ve used this idea to make decisions…to pursue ways to take care of myself…ways of living.

…and then last week I realized I did it. I DID IT! Honestly it didn’t always seem possible. There were dark hard days…times when I was not thriving…not at all…there were seasons where I was barely surviving…times of feeling incredibly disoriented…not knowing my place…days of loss and sadness...of feeling like everything was too much…but in the end, here I am…making a decision.

as I look back on the past 2 ½ yrs it’s easy to acknowledge that I didn’t do this alone…it was with the voices of my community here…with their love and grace…and freedom and support…walking with me…conversations in all the different corners of this house as we wrestled with different ideas/losses/struggle. It was with their voices helping me change things that needed to change...with the grace to change my schedule and take care of myself when that's what i needed (rather than pushing ahead like i'm inclined to do) And with their input of joy and celebration and laughter and good times. With the voices of my community back home…friends and family…walking with me and speaking truth into my life at times when I desperately needed outside perspective. Oh no…I certainly didn’t do this alone!

Last week Beth and I were talking about this and she looked at me and said, “way to go…that’s a huge deal. You did it. Congratulations. I feel like I’m at the finish line of a marathon cheering you on” (man I love that girl!)

So here I am making a decision (which isn’t necessarily fun…but it is a sign of a big decision that I made 3 years ago…and of lots of little decisions made along the way). For now, I’ll just celebrate….celebrate that I actually have lived in a way that I get to make this decision right now…