May prayer letter

“God, who calls you, is faithful.”     ~1Thessalonians 5:24

It feels like Spring in my soul. After a long, hard season from the middle of November through the middle of March it feels like my soul is coming back to life. The description of seasons just seems so applicable…a long cold winter…and now the slow thaw of Spring…and glimpses of new life. It feels like my spirit is this tender spring shoot of a plant…fragile, still a bit raw, in need of careful tending…but coming alive in new ways nonetheless.

How to put it all into words?! How to put it into words at all?!

I would name Nov-March as a season of loss. A season of grieving. A season of absence. One of the Sari Bari women was assaulted and left for dead by her long-term boyfriend. Kyle went back to America. I took on lots of new work responsibilities that had a steep learning curve and didn’t work well with my other work responsibilities (leaving me feeling like I was always failing somehow). Other hopes did not work out like I thought they would. Hard days for family and friends back in America. Rina got very sick, and died. Sheila discerned that she would be moving back to the States in May.  The perceived absence of God was all around. It was thick. It was all I could see. The prayers I could muster seemed hollow. They seemed pointless.

Eventually, (finally), all of the loss, and doubt, grieving, questions and anger gave way to something new…to honesty.

Honesty in my prayers. Honesty in how I view God. For the first time I understood the prayers of the Psalmist that I used to think were accusatory or perhaps even scandalous.  Suddenly they were my prayers. “Will you stay far off forever God?!” “Do you care about these things that are breaking my heart?” “When are you going to show up? Are you ever going to show up?” “Do you care about my desires?” “Do you care about the things I want?” “Do you care that there is suffering all around?” “I’m not convinced you care, but if you do, could you please show up?”

And slowly, surprisingly (at least to me) this honesty has given birth to freedom. This freedom is allowing me to re-engage God in new and lost ways.  The naming of my fears, doubts and anger stripped them of the power they had over me. In their place is freedom. Freedom to believe that the Lord does care. Freedom to see where He is present. Freedom to be where I am, and to be okay with it. Confidence about  my opinions. Freedom to believe. Freedom to pray again, and to ask the Lord to show Himself.

And this freedom is giving birth to faith. Daring to believe that the Lord will answer the longings of my heart. Being crazy enough to believe that He does care about the needs I feel. Choosing to believe, again, that He is faithful, and that He will provide.

Central in this process was some time I was privileged to spend some time with some friends outside of India. That time in “a third place” (not America, and not India) was so restorative and good. Time with people who love me deeply…in a culture that is different from this one…and with enough distance from the realities of life and work here in Kolkata that I was able to gain some much needed perspective. Beforehand I could not have projected how much of an impact the time would have on me. So here I am…taking a deep breath. Amazed by, and reveling in the goodness of this gift from the Lord. Seeing the Lord’s presence instead of His absence. Receiving from the Lord. Sustained by Him in new ways. I have new eyes. New perspective…and a new commitment to knowing myself…and knowing where and how the Lord is working in me.

Ways you can pray:

In the winter Sheila began to feel the Lord moving her heart back toward living in America. In February, after lots of prayer and discernment Sheila decided to return to the States. She leaves Kolkata May 10. This is a source of both joy (since she’ll be marrying the man of her dreams at the beginning of October) and deep grief for us (I cannot imagine life in Kolkata without Sheila. She has been with me through this whole journey!). I covet your prayers for Sheila, and for the entire community as we attempt to send Sheila off to this next beautiful season with and appropriate mix of joy, celebration, grieving, loss, tears, laughter, and presence toward one another. 

We started training at 2 units April 9. Currently 5 women are engaged in training. We hope that around 5 more will join us this month. (3 more started today!)  Please be in prayer for wisdom as we work to meet the very different needs of these women. Also, please be in prayer for courage for women as they choose to pursue freedom, and for everyone within Sari Bari to be prepared to welcome and walk alongside new women.

Please be in prayer for new, and deepening relationships with women in the red-light area where we visit. (April 16 we handed out flowers in the red-light area near our office. This is one of my favorite days all year!)

As expected, the process of finding a flat has been slow and frustrating. There have been a few possibilities, but nothing has worked out yet. Quite honestly it seems impossible that we will find what we’re looking for…and I’m relatively convinced that barring the Lord’s intervention it isn’t possible, but each day as I walk around the neighborhood I continue to ask the Lord to show up in this very tangible way. Please continue to pray for a new flat.

The Lord has provided some new friendships in unexpected places – but I still feel a “gap” in my life in terms of friendships that aren’t work related. Please continue to pray for me for more friendships.

Peace be with you.

Melissa