First.

It’s a loaded adjective…”First.” Usually it’s with a sense of excitement and anticipation of “more to come” that we say “first.”

a first date…

My first job…

The first time I left the US…

A first kiss…

Although, for me, for the past few months “first” has become a very heavy adjective.

One I don’t want to think about…cause sometimes “first” carries a sense of “oh man, I really don’t want to do that again…but I probably will have to at some point.”

There are 2 firsts from the past few months that won’t be lasts…

Rina died a month ago. It was the first time I watched one of my friends die. It was the first time I witnessed that dimension of physical suffering that close up…and prayed over and over for mercy…asking God, pleading with God to “take her already.” Begging for mercy…for peace…for freedom. It was the first time that I went with this community down to the river where bodies are cremated. It was the first time I held and was held by my SB community as we all wept together. It was the first time I bathed in the Ganges River (which is a very disgusting body of water…but it is a beautiful part of grieving here. After the ashes have been spread in the river the mourners bathe in the river – symbolically washing away the tears and grief and being walking forward into newness). It will probably not be the last time I do those things…I hope it is. I deeply deeply hope it is…or at the very least that it’s not repeated anytime soon…but it probably won’t be.

Coupled with that was December when Kyle moved back to America…the first time that I was a part of sending a co-worker/brother/community member back to the States. When I look back on those days in December of saying goodbye…of sending him off…I think of the ever so precious memories and moments during that month…what a gift it was to be able to walk with Kyle in his transition back to America. I think of moments of laughter and a profound sense of knowing and being known. And I think of the deep sadness…and that period of adjusting to life without Kyle. Some of the most beautiful, and saddest days I’ve spent in Kolkata were during December. we all still miss Kyle so deeply. In the little ways (like at the end of the day when we pull down the gate at SB and think, “This is Kyle’s job”) and in big ways (missing his presence, his perspective, and his chicken burgers).

And now we are in this season of sending Sheila back to the States. She is leaving May 10. The Lord is moving her heart…and she is starting a new chapter…she is getting married in October. It is all so very exciting – and simultaneously so very sad that I literally cannot think about life in Kolkata w/o Sheila without tearing up. So most of the time I walk around in some level of denial about the fact that Sheila isn’t going to be here…that the number of days we have together is very very limited. Sheila has been my “partner in crime” since the beginning (and how very far we have come from those days 2 yrs ago when we were strangers – when we were getting to know one another, each other’s patterns and strengths and coping mechanism – how we respond to stress, how we solve problems, what we like and what we don’t like). we went to language school together. We were adjusting to the culture and learning language at the same time…trying to establish “normal” learning our place in this city and in this community. I’ve always had Sheila to process things with…and a knowledge that we were often processing the same things. 

I cannot imagine what it will be like for her bedroom to be empty…to not poke my head in and see if she has a minute to talk. I cannot imagine like without Sheila in Kolkata. What I do understand (unfortunately?) is how hard it will be to send her off into this new beginning. I know how beautiful and hard this next month is going to be…and I covet your prayers for Sheila, and for the entire community as we attempt to send Sheila off to this next beautiful season with and appropriate mix of joy, celebration, grieving, loss, tears, laughter, and presence toward one another.