there just aren't words

This week was all i expected it to be and more.

on Friday night i feel asleep on the couch at 9:30 - cause i was just so exhausted.
all this emotional exhaustion running over into physical exhaustion.

like so many parts of my life here, i can't explain this week to you.

i cannot explain how beautiful, or how hard Kyle's going away parties were.

i cannot explain to you the sadness, the vulnerability, the love, the solidarity, the grieving that filled our living room on Thursday night, as we simply were together. it was, quite honestly, perhaps the most beautiful night i have spent in the past 2 years.

i cannot put into words how hard it is to send a brother off well.

...what it feels like to cry along with my sisters.
...to love, and know that i am loved.

and then i hear things like, "next time someone comes i won't love them. it hurts too much when they leave, and i know they'll leave" so i tell her (and believe) that this is a part of love. that when we choose to love, when we choose to share ourselves with another person we open our hearts up to being hurt. this is a part of love. yes, it hurts...but what benefit is there to withholding love. sure, we bypass this pain, but we also bypass the joy, beauty, and wonder of loving and being loved. "koshto" is a word in bangla i've said a lot these week...inconvienece, pain, trouble, hardship...yes, this week is full of koshto. this is a part of a bigger picture of loving and being loved...of choosing to have our hearts woven into something bigger than ourselves.

it is a package deal.

one of the things that is hard about saying goodbye to kyle is how it foreshaddows my own goodbye. knowing that someday i will be on the other end of a going away party at Sari Bari. I don't know when it will be. i don't think i'll be here forever...but i also can't imagine being anywhere else. someday i will be on the other end of celebrations like i participated in this week...i will be the one who is celebrated and loved...and somehow i will have to find a way to walk out the door for the last time. i can't imagine it

these are the days we knew were coming...but seemed far off...until suddenly they are here.

one week.
in one week Kyle flies back to America.
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