the past 6 weeks or so haven't been the best/easiest season of life.
it feels like this is a season of loss - in many ways.
i have been tired.
i have been stressed out.
i have been frustrated.
many times i have thought, "this is just too much" or "really?!?! one more thing?!?!"
little things like our fridge breaking.
my favorite sunglasses breaking.
and big things - like kyle leaving.
and walking with the team through their last weeks here and wanting to help them finish well
and learning how to manage production at Sari Bari (it's been a steep learning curve! i cannot tell you how many different little things have fallen through the cracks in the past 6 weeks as i've been learning)
and feeling torn between my two different work responsibilities that usually feel like they stand in direct contradiction to one another. To do one well, i feel like i end up doing the other poorly. it feels like a tug-o-war and i am stuck in the middle feeling like i'm failing no matter what i do (admittedly, one of the things about my personality is that i set very high standards for myself...and i always want to do things better and improve things..so it's hard for me when i can't do something as well as i want to...and another thing about me is that when i'm stressed out i have very little grace for myself...so while what i just wrote is my inner voice and perspective - i know it's not the whole story...lots of folks here tell me otherwise...and thankfully i'm able to receive their voices, their words of encouragement and truth)
In the midst of all this i keep seeing the ways that i am loved so well here. It is breath-taking the ways that i am loved. by my community here. by the Sari Bari family. by friends and family back home. i am loved so well.
on tuesday upendra came into the office and he could immediately tell that i was having a rough day. He immediately stopped. looked me in the eye and offered his presence to me - in the midst of my frustration. it was so beautiful.
This week the ladies gave me a new nickname at Sari Bari. Nicknames are one of my love-languages.
one day as i was sorting out production things and 5 or 6 different things that i thought turned out to not be true i said to beth in exasperation, "would someone please just tell me one thing that is actually true" and without missing a beat she said, "you are beautiful."
on Thursday when i arrived at our unit in the south i was greeted by 2 different messages of love. The first was our resident mom telling me that i looked horrible. "your appearance is horrible. what is happening to you." - she's worried that i have too much tension and wants me to eat more and bulk up a bit. this was immediately followed by the rest of the ladies telling me how great i looked - that my shirt was beautiful and that I looked like a Bollywood heroine.
i got to participate in freedom birthdays at 2 of our units this week...does it get any better than that? for the record, no, it doesn't. To hear from my sisters what they've learned in the past year, what they've gained, how they've been blessed...no, it doesn't get any better than that.
laughter and jokes and welcome at Sari Bari...and understanding this language well enough to make jokes and understand other jokes.
there is the constant message from Beth, Sheila and Brooke to "let it be" - for me to release responsibilities and obligations that i don't need to take on.
emails from home.
surprise-treat packages from home.
words of affirmation and love quietly whispered in my ear in a crowded room...with a hug to go along with them.
and then, there are those Sari Bari women...and incredible truth spoken by their mouths, and with their lives. as we were preparing to pray on Tuesday. Beth said that there wasn't any hope about a certain situation...and before the words were even out of her mouth the women responded..."hey, you tell us that there is always hope. no matter what" and "yeah, you say that we can never throw hope away, ever. you have to hope too." man, it's humbling to hear your own words come back at you like that...humbling...and beautiful. On Wednesday morning as i led devotions at SB we talked about that conversation...and how beautiful it is that we are never alone. That if we stand alone, it's possible for all of our hope to be drained. "our hope can escape from our hands." but when we stand together, we will always have hope...because if i run out of hope, then someone can loan me hope and speak the truth over me. and then on another day when someone else is out of hope then I can loan them some hope and remind them of what is true. I told them that I get hope from their lives, and from their words. it is true.
...in the midst of all i would call "less than idea" or hard about this season of life, one thing is true...i am loved well. so well.
it feels like this is a season of loss - in many ways.
i have been tired.
i have been stressed out.
i have been frustrated.
many times i have thought, "this is just too much" or "really?!?! one more thing?!?!"
little things like our fridge breaking.
my favorite sunglasses breaking.
and big things - like kyle leaving.
and walking with the team through their last weeks here and wanting to help them finish well
and learning how to manage production at Sari Bari (it's been a steep learning curve! i cannot tell you how many different little things have fallen through the cracks in the past 6 weeks as i've been learning)
and feeling torn between my two different work responsibilities that usually feel like they stand in direct contradiction to one another. To do one well, i feel like i end up doing the other poorly. it feels like a tug-o-war and i am stuck in the middle feeling like i'm failing no matter what i do (admittedly, one of the things about my personality is that i set very high standards for myself...and i always want to do things better and improve things..so it's hard for me when i can't do something as well as i want to...and another thing about me is that when i'm stressed out i have very little grace for myself...so while what i just wrote is my inner voice and perspective - i know it's not the whole story...lots of folks here tell me otherwise...and thankfully i'm able to receive their voices, their words of encouragement and truth)
In the midst of all this i keep seeing the ways that i am loved so well here. It is breath-taking the ways that i am loved. by my community here. by the Sari Bari family. by friends and family back home. i am loved so well.
on tuesday upendra came into the office and he could immediately tell that i was having a rough day. He immediately stopped. looked me in the eye and offered his presence to me - in the midst of my frustration. it was so beautiful.
This week the ladies gave me a new nickname at Sari Bari. Nicknames are one of my love-languages.
one day as i was sorting out production things and 5 or 6 different things that i thought turned out to not be true i said to beth in exasperation, "would someone please just tell me one thing that is actually true" and without missing a beat she said, "you are beautiful."
on Thursday when i arrived at our unit in the south i was greeted by 2 different messages of love. The first was our resident mom telling me that i looked horrible. "your appearance is horrible. what is happening to you." - she's worried that i have too much tension and wants me to eat more and bulk up a bit. this was immediately followed by the rest of the ladies telling me how great i looked - that my shirt was beautiful and that I looked like a Bollywood heroine.
i got to participate in freedom birthdays at 2 of our units this week...does it get any better than that? for the record, no, it doesn't. To hear from my sisters what they've learned in the past year, what they've gained, how they've been blessed...no, it doesn't get any better than that.
laughter and jokes and welcome at Sari Bari...and understanding this language well enough to make jokes and understand other jokes.
there is the constant message from Beth, Sheila and Brooke to "let it be" - for me to release responsibilities and obligations that i don't need to take on.
emails from home.
surprise-treat packages from home.
words of affirmation and love quietly whispered in my ear in a crowded room...with a hug to go along with them.
and then, there are those Sari Bari women...and incredible truth spoken by their mouths, and with their lives. as we were preparing to pray on Tuesday. Beth said that there wasn't any hope about a certain situation...and before the words were even out of her mouth the women responded..."hey, you tell us that there is always hope. no matter what" and "yeah, you say that we can never throw hope away, ever. you have to hope too." man, it's humbling to hear your own words come back at you like that...humbling...and beautiful. On Wednesday morning as i led devotions at SB we talked about that conversation...and how beautiful it is that we are never alone. That if we stand alone, it's possible for all of our hope to be drained. "our hope can escape from our hands." but when we stand together, we will always have hope...because if i run out of hope, then someone can loan me hope and speak the truth over me. and then on another day when someone else is out of hope then I can loan them some hope and remind them of what is true. I told them that I get hope from their lives, and from their words. it is true.
...in the midst of all i would call "less than idea" or hard about this season of life, one thing is true...i am loved well. so well.
2 comments:
Much love from the states, Mel. You and Beth are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
it's love that makes it worth it, i think. you're beautiful mel, living a beautiful life.
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