Tunnel Vision

here, going to church is a real discipline. I don't think i've ever had to be so disciplined about choosing to go to church. there are a lot of reasons...i haven't found a church that i'm really really excited about partnering with, public transportation doesn't run at Sundays, church is early, Sunday is often my only day to stay holed up in my flat, and not have to engage a city that i usually find exhausting and draining...there are lots of reasons that i can come up with (very easily) as to why i shouldn't go to church.

but every time i go i'm so glad that i went...and last week i finally was able to put into words part of what i receive when i worship there.

"it's not about me" - that's what i love. i mean, its not like that's an earth-shattering revelation. i've known it for years. when i was a youth pastor i used to say it over and over to the teens...but i need to be reminded over and over that its just not about me...that i am a part of something much much bigger than me - and bigger than Sari Bari. Bigger than the women i love. Bigger than the very real, and significant problems we face. bigger than the disappointments and questions my heart has carried throughout the week. bigger than what i can see.

it doesn't minimize the significance of the work i do - and the life i lead here - it just puts it into proper perspective. Weekly there are big problems that needs to be solved (and often times there's no easy or obvious answer). I hear and carry struggles and pain and brokenness - my own, and those of my friends. the work that we do is hard. its really hard. it wears away hope. sometimes it makes me wonder about justice and hope and peace...and if any of those things actually exist.

and what i've realized is that i can get tunnel vision. i get so focused on my own corner of the kingdom - and all i can see is what i'm involved it (that i fully believe God is very passionate about). all i see are the impossibilites we've bumped into any given week. I see lack. I see brokenness. I see problems without answers. I see suffering. I'm so focused on the service that i've been called to - that i have committed myself to that i forget that really, i'm a part of something much bigger than me. even bigger than my corner of the kingdom. its not about me. its not all about sari bari.

as i worship, as i speak and sing the liturgy, as i participate in communion and thanksgiving - my eyes slowly lift from my own little corner...from my own emotions...from my own reality - and i see the bigger picture. I'm reminded of the larger truth that i'm a part of...the larger tapestry that i'm woven into. the global Church. the deep and wide history of believers. i join in the larger chours and declare truth that i probably wouldn't think of declaring or praying.

it refreshes my soul.
i rest.
i receive.
i breath a little deeper and a little slower
i am reminded of who God is - beyond my own tunnel vision - beyond my own experience.
i join my voice to the never-ending song.

it is beautiful.