generosity

I wonder about my heart sometimes. I've said before that i feel like my heart is hard. I think that's how i protect my heart from being too broken here. When i see physical need, or when people beg i respond with an explanation of why i shouldn't give money, or with cynicism (because of experiences i've had or witnessed where "giving" has turned into manipulation), or i just ignore my affluence, and the poverty around me and simply go on with my life.

So i'm realizing that after 6 months here, and 4 months in kolkata my heart is a bit hard...and i don't think i'm very generous. i guess i'm not sure entirely what it would look like to be open hearted, and generous in the everyday moments of my life. but they're things i want to be. i have friends who are generous. generous in different ways...generosity i have witnessed, and generosity that i have received. being with people those friends forces me to examine my own heart in a way that is uncomfortable...and at the same time it inspires me to ask some of those hard questions of myself.

I wonder what it looks like for me to give sacrificially in this place and in this season of life. what would it mean for me to deny myself? what is the balance between protecting myself, and guarding my heart - and allowing my heart to become too hard?