wrestling...

I've had a couple hard days recently. Just hard to be here. Some days, it just happens, the needs are overwhelming, the requests for help so frequent - and the answers so few.

On Saturday there was a new girl at Prem Don. usually they don't take children, but the hospital handed her over, presumably because they no longer have any hope for her recovery, or maybe her family ran out of money - who knows...both of her legs are completely burned, and she has some infection in her burns. There is a doctor volunteering at prem don, who was going to change her dressings, which is horribly painful. She sent me out to buy a prescription pain medication - but i couldn't get it. so, i got the strongest pain medication i could find, and that was all we could offer this precious little girl...and i have so many questions...

As i walk down the street and people ask me for things, and i've already decided not to give them money - i sometimes wonder what good i'm doing. does my kindness mean anything to them? what do they think of my kind words, and interest in them, and my lack of giving money or food? what would Jesus do in that situation? i haven't figured it out...

We're reading "Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger" right now. its a hard book. challenging...i highly recommend it...if you're willing to wrestle with some hard ideas... I tend to swing between different responses to what is written. sometimes i feel like Ronald Sider is being a bit extreme, that he's not painting a very "grace-filled" picture of God...and at times i read the statistics about affluence in America (my America, my affluence, my abundance of goods, opportunities, education) and reality in the rest of the world - and i'm broken, and i wonder if all my life i've been ignoring these aspects of who God is, as He revealed Himself through scripture.

Sometimes i can't figure out what my motives are - am i really as selfish as i seem sometimes? why do i think i "deserve" so much? how is it that so much of humanity can't even imagine what i consider to be "simplicity"? And then as i walk down the street, and meet people, and i am asked for money, or food, or ice cream over and over...how do i respond? what is love? what is the Christ-like response. I guess some things never get easier here - and i suppose that's good.