Let's not be friends...

wrote this blog awhile ago...you know it's gonna be something when i write a blog...then don't post it right away...

Inspired by some of the reading I’ve been doing recently, here is my latest musing/naming/understanding on relationships and why “let’s still be friends” is a ridiculous sentiment at the end of a romantic relationship.

How many times have women sat around in living rooms, bars, coffee shops or empty stairwells with their friends trying to make sense of this? How many hours have we talked round and round the situation only to come to the same lack of clarity? I think my favorite comment was from a friend who said to me, “why would we try to be friends? I don’t need another friend. I have plenty of those. What we were was boyfriend and girlfriend, and now we’re not. Why would friends suddenly be on the table?”

It comes down to intimacy, and moving from a place of intimacy to less intimacy. How do you do that? Really, how do you do it?! I recently read a great description of what it’s like to interact with an ex. The author (Elna Baker) and her friend (Kevin) call it the “nice lady at the conference” syndrome. Here’s what they say:

“Let’s say you run into an old lover or ex-best friend at a business conference, both of you are wearing name badges. You say hello politely, and ask each other surface question like How’s your sister doing But all along there is this mountain of knowledge and history that’s passed between you, only neither of you acknowledge it because now things are different – now they’re just ‘the nice lady at the conference’ to you. Like the Elliot Smith lyric, ‘You’re just somebody that I used to know.’”

I love this description. I love the phrase, “there is a mountain of knowledge and history that’s passed between you, only neither of you acknowledge it” The mountain is the intimacy that you used to share, and is gone now. And that mountain, while it will diminish in size and significance over time, will always be there between you each time you see each other.

So when 2 folks try to move backwards in intimacy, it’s like trying to constantly choreograph this awkward dance around the mountain that passed between you. That’s hard enough. never-mind that you both have very different beliefs about that mountain and exactly what it was that passed between you.

And then…as if that wasn’t enough to navigate around, you can pile on the different ways that men and women (generally) view intimacy. It’s easy to draw physical boundaries (addressing the primary superhighway to intimacy for the guy). But how do you draw the emotional or relational ones (the equivalent superhighway for the gal) while trying to be friends? No sane couple would continue the physical aspect of their relationship while simultaneously trying to end the relationship…but isn’t this what the phrase, “let’s still be friends” is at it’s core? As a woman, who connects intimacy and love with conversation, knowing and being known , the futile attempt to remain friends creates a veritable minefield. every, “how are you really doing?” “I still care about you deeply” “I don’t want to hurt you” from the newly forged “guy friend” stirs up intimacy for her in a way that would be the equivalent of her walking into the room and kissing the guy every time she saw him.

That’s ridiculous. It would never fly. So, why in the world do we still allow ourselves to be dragged into the swamp, mire, and emotional wasteland of “let’s still be friends”?!?!?! We can all do better. So please, If you find yourself preparing to say “let’s still be friends” stop. Think twice. Rein yourself in. do you really want to be friends? Is it possible for the two of you to be friends? (really?) Do you know what that means? Do you know what that might mean for the person you’re about to “let down lightly?” And if you happen to be on the receiving end of that seemingly benign phrase, do yourself and your soon-to-be-ex a favor and run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.  This is the kindest, most respectful thing you can do for yourself, and for the other as well.

Eventually it might work out (it will at least stop being such a big deal, such a big part of you). Eventually you might actually be able to be casual acquaintances and run in the same social circle, you might even (against all odds) actually be able to have some sort of a substantive friendship, but not right away. And certainly not until each of you has had time to sort out that “mountain of knowledge and history that’s passed between you.”