i just finished reading "The New York Regional Mormon Singles
Halloween Dance" by Elna Baker. I heard her tell a story on "The Moth"
podcast, and thought she was funny, and thought it would be an
interesting read. it's a memoir, and a funny and honest look at her
wrestling with her faith, her background, love, and herself. it's funny,
and honest, and full of nuggets of truth. the perfect combination of
light and funny, with some "self-discovery" and reflections on living
and faith woven in. i think we'd be friends if we ever met (i'm such a
dork for saying that).
I've been reading it for the past week or so, and have found it encouraging, and speaking the truth i needed to hear.
Like in a section where she's talking about losing weight (she lost 80 pounds) she says, "when you're trying to change, every good decision you make adds up, and saying no gets easier because each day you have more evidence that you can." so simple. and true. and what i needed to hear this week.
and then, "I had to face my toughest competitor: me. And when you're competing against yourself, it's so much harder - because you know exactly who you're up against." which is true, in some ways, but i've been thinking about it...and i think sometimes what makes it so hard to improve ourselves is that we don't know what we're up against....so unaware of our own flaws, vices, unhealthy coping mechanisms.
or how about this one (let's be honest...i may or may not have done this very thing this week): "It felt like I was being hit by everything I couldn't handle at one. Really it was more like I was deciding to let one thing represent everything - but either way I took it poorly."
as i read the book i kept finding little treasures, and thinking, "yes. i know exactly how she feels" and "yup, you got it." and it was good and encouraging, and funny and entertaining. And then, this morning, at the end of the book i read the part that made me realize why i liked the book so much...this part of Elna that I identify with so deeply...
she's talking about an award she got in 5th grade.
"We call this the "No" Means Nothing to Me award and we're presenting it to Elna Baker, because 'no' really means nothing to her. It was the proudest moment of my eleven-year-old life. But as and adult this quality has come back to bite me in the ass several times over. Because guess what? Sometimes "no" actually means "no." Unfortunately, I have a very hard time accepting this. I'm the puppy you have to kick for it to go away. And no matter how much evidence there is stacked up against me, I'm always optimistic. It's a self-inflicted punishment. I'm the Sisyphus, only instead of a rock I've been sentenced to shove a square peg into a round hole for eternity, always certain it's about to fit. "No" means nothing to me."
I was raised in a "no quitting" household. i think it was a great value to instill in us. Haywards finish what we start. we don't give up in the middle. we fight for what we believe in...and when something gets hard, or discouraging, we just dig a little deeper. I think this is an incredible gift my parent's gave me (and my sisters). Since i was a little girl my parents instilled in me that I could do what i wanted. that if i worked hard i could accomplish whatever I wanted (within reason, of course. we all knew i was never gonna be a professional athlete or rock-star). seriously, it was an incredible gift. That family value mixed with a fair bit of sass and stubbornness that I was born with makes for a very feisty, determined adult version of me. it's part of why i still live in Kolkata. it's why i've accomplished a lot of the things I have in life. don't tell me i can't. don't say it's not possible (if it's something i actually want to do i will hear this as a dare to try, and you'll likely hear me say, "oh yeah, watch me.").
what has been good about reading this memoir is the reminder that my determination is a double-edged sword. we've all heard that adage, "an unguarded strength becomes a double weakness" and i see that in myself too. yes, i hope, and fight, and pour myself out to be a part of "making the impossible possible" and sometimes i'm so prone to fixate on hope, and possibility that i forget that sometimes "No" actually means no. or at the very least it's nice to know that i'm not the only one :)
I've been reading it for the past week or so, and have found it encouraging, and speaking the truth i needed to hear.
Like in a section where she's talking about losing weight (she lost 80 pounds) she says, "when you're trying to change, every good decision you make adds up, and saying no gets easier because each day you have more evidence that you can." so simple. and true. and what i needed to hear this week.
and then, "I had to face my toughest competitor: me. And when you're competing against yourself, it's so much harder - because you know exactly who you're up against." which is true, in some ways, but i've been thinking about it...and i think sometimes what makes it so hard to improve ourselves is that we don't know what we're up against....so unaware of our own flaws, vices, unhealthy coping mechanisms.
or how about this one (let's be honest...i may or may not have done this very thing this week): "It felt like I was being hit by everything I couldn't handle at one. Really it was more like I was deciding to let one thing represent everything - but either way I took it poorly."
as i read the book i kept finding little treasures, and thinking, "yes. i know exactly how she feels" and "yup, you got it." and it was good and encouraging, and funny and entertaining. And then, this morning, at the end of the book i read the part that made me realize why i liked the book so much...this part of Elna that I identify with so deeply...
she's talking about an award she got in 5th grade.
"We call this the "No" Means Nothing to Me award and we're presenting it to Elna Baker, because 'no' really means nothing to her. It was the proudest moment of my eleven-year-old life. But as and adult this quality has come back to bite me in the ass several times over. Because guess what? Sometimes "no" actually means "no." Unfortunately, I have a very hard time accepting this. I'm the puppy you have to kick for it to go away. And no matter how much evidence there is stacked up against me, I'm always optimistic. It's a self-inflicted punishment. I'm the Sisyphus, only instead of a rock I've been sentenced to shove a square peg into a round hole for eternity, always certain it's about to fit. "No" means nothing to me."
I was raised in a "no quitting" household. i think it was a great value to instill in us. Haywards finish what we start. we don't give up in the middle. we fight for what we believe in...and when something gets hard, or discouraging, we just dig a little deeper. I think this is an incredible gift my parent's gave me (and my sisters). Since i was a little girl my parents instilled in me that I could do what i wanted. that if i worked hard i could accomplish whatever I wanted (within reason, of course. we all knew i was never gonna be a professional athlete or rock-star). seriously, it was an incredible gift. That family value mixed with a fair bit of sass and stubbornness that I was born with makes for a very feisty, determined adult version of me. it's part of why i still live in Kolkata. it's why i've accomplished a lot of the things I have in life. don't tell me i can't. don't say it's not possible (if it's something i actually want to do i will hear this as a dare to try, and you'll likely hear me say, "oh yeah, watch me.").
what has been good about reading this memoir is the reminder that my determination is a double-edged sword. we've all heard that adage, "an unguarded strength becomes a double weakness" and i see that in myself too. yes, i hope, and fight, and pour myself out to be a part of "making the impossible possible" and sometimes i'm so prone to fixate on hope, and possibility that i forget that sometimes "No" actually means no. or at the very least it's nice to know that i'm not the only one :)
1 comment:
love this, mel. love it.
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