June update

June 2013

Every time I sit down to write an “update” I read the last one I wrote. Usually the reading feels familiar. I think, “oh yeah, I remember writing that.” This time it felt like I was reading someone else’s update.  I think this is the result of a couple different things. First, we have learned that when we are under stress our memories tend to fail us. As I look back on the end of March (when I wrote that update) there was plenty of stress. I felt like a wave tossed around by the winds. I felt like I was drowning in a storm of expectations, responsibilities, loss and disappointment. 

The second reason why my last update feels so unfamiliar is that my heart is (miraculously) in such a different place now. I attribute this to the Lord’s grace and gentle pursuit of my wandering heart. At the beginning of April there was a “New Friars”** retreat. We gathered together, from around the world for prayer and teaching, for reflection, and networking. Among other things, we left for the retreat within 24 hrs of a huge disappointment that I’ve dubbed the “the anti-miracle” (to know more, check out the blog at http://www.mhayward.blogspot.in/2013/03/yet-somehow-he-is-still-good.html).I entered the gathering broken, exhausted (emotionally, physically and spiritually), disappointed, overwhelmed, feeling insufficient, and like I was drowning. I was divided, simultaneously daring God to try to break through the walls around my heart, and open to the hope that He might actually do it.

As I look back on the that retreat I would explain it as a slow thawing of my frozen heart, and the Lord’s gentle pursuit of my broken, confused, heavy heart. Through times of contemplative prayer, teaching, worship, conversations with friends, and even a dream, the Lord sought me. He was drawing me back to himself.

I live in a reality where suffering, injustice and oppression are the norm, where abuse and objectification are the regular fare of the day. I watch cycles of abuse. I see addictions ravage relationships. I watch as power is abused.  Over the course of time and different losses, questions, deep disappointment, and the seeming silence of the Lord, my faith had taken a beating. A serious beating. Cynicism, anger, and hate had taken root in my heart, while prayer most often seemed like a futile pleading against a closed sky. I can see that I have been through, what is often referred to as “the dark night of the soul.” Now, I can look back and see the ways the Lord was at work in me, was drawing me, and pursuing me, but I wasn’t ready to return. Really, I don’t think I knew how far my heart had wandered.

During this retreat, the Lord restored me. I was able to forgive some debts that I’d been refusing to cancel. And I realized my own deep need for forgiveness. Beyond that, there was a proper releasing back to the Lord the work that I was trying to do that is (and always has been) his to do.  I feel like the Lord took the places where my heart was crooked and made them straight. He re-aligned my soul. I feel like I can see the past few years through completely different eyes than I could before. And I can see that the Lord has been here all along. Grieving more deeply than I do, more broken over the injustices than I am, and all the while longing for me to take refuge in Him. The Joy of the Lord has returned to my heart – and it changes everything! It feels like long dormant parts of me are coming back to life.

I returned to the same city and the same circumstances a completely different person. In the past two months I have discovered a new joy in living in Kolkata. I am amazed that I get to call this city home. I see the deep honor that it is to be a part of the Sari Bari community and to know those women (and their struggles). Mostly, I am humbled by the Lord’s ability to redeem. I am deeply thankful for His persistent, gentle pursuit of me. And I continue to push the roots of myself deeper into Him, finding strength and joy for what lies ahead each day.

Building Renovation! As of the writing of this letter we are still waiting for the construction permits! Once we get them things will move quickly…but 3 months has turned into 5…and we’re still waiting! Please pray for the renovation process (for favor with government agencies, contractors, etc)  and for our staff as we prepare new leaders, and begin looking for new women to join training

An Open House: I will be in Spring Arbor, MI in June. There will be a come and go open house at my parents’ house (7140 King Rd, Spring Arbor, MI) on Monday June 10 from 5:30 -7:30 PM. please stop by if you’re able. I’d love to chat with you face to face and hear what has been going on in your life!

May you to out in joy, and be led forth in peace.

Melissa

**There is a loose grouping of like-minded missions organizations, called, “The New Friars.” Scott Besnecker has written two books about the different missions organizations, one called, “The New Friars” and the other titled, “Living Missions: The Voices and Vision of the New Friars,” if you care to read them. They do a great job of “explaining” the realities of my life and service in Kolkata.