overwhelmed

in some ways i feel like all i want to do is rant.
these past 10 days in Kolkata have been tiring.
if i write a funny rant about all that's happened, well, that's easier than trying to understand how i feel, why i feel that way...and sharing it.

i feel out of place - or more that i don't know my place.
i feel overwhelmed.

i expected this.
its a big transition - leaving Dhaka (which was a really beautiful, restful, restorative season of life) and landing in Kolkata (which i know will be good, but for now its just a lot of unknown)...leaves my head spinning.

i think its natural.
i think my frustration with little things in the city is an overflow of the strain of this transition.

i have a hard time making decisions.
this is not like me - at all.
usually i figure out what i want, make the decision and then make it happen.
i hate it when people tell me what to do, or make decisions for me.
but these days, i go back and forth countless times trying to decide what i want.
it took me 3 days to decide which room to move into in this flat.
since then i've been vacillating about if i should paint "my room"...and if i do what color i should choose since then. depending on when you ask me...i'll give you a different answer.
this is weird.

i feel like my emotions and logic are constantly battling one another as i try to make decisions. (last night a friend asked me which i was going to respect...logic or my emotions...good question!)

i've made a "schedule" for the next month and a half before i head to the states. that will help.

i know finding "normal" will take time. that's fine.
but that doesn't mean i have to like way i am, the way i feel in the middle of this transition.