All day my mind has been fragmented and whirring – with
thoughts and phrases, ideas and grief.
Today I dust off this blog…as I flex the familiar muscles of
mourning.
Last night I learned that my friend Dani passed away
suddenly. Dani and I shared life for two years in Haiti.
She was my people.
A kindred spirit.
She was bold – and spoke truth.
We wondered together.
And worked to make hope tangible.
And our faith journeyed and meandered side by side.
She co-founded a social business, giving sustainable employment
to women in Haiti…a very tangible expression of the One who is Hope, who
sustained her.
These words do not begin to do justice to the fullness of
Dani.
I’ve thought about how when people die we often collectively
put on our rose-colored glasses and remember the best of them. We gloss over
the faults and imperfections to celebrate the best parts…in a sense diminishing
their humanity by forgetting their rough parts, their struggle, the gritty
parts…after all, isn’t the beauty of true relationship that you know the
darkest parts of a person – and love them, not in spite of that knowledge…but
because relationship is most true when it encompasses the entire spectrum of a
person’s thought, actions, perspective and humanity?
So, its with that in mind, that still I remember Dani as living
well.
She asked hard questions, and stayed in the uncomfortable
unknowing, rather than settle on pat answers.
She was fiercely loyal and loving to her tribe.
She was full of life, and celebration.
She baked delicious food, and practiced hospitality.
She poured herself out for things she believed in.
She dreamed big dreams.
She was honest about her struggles, and invited us to
journey with her toward more.
She loved her partner Kyle fiercely, and mothered her sons
so beautifully.
I hope that I will be a mom like Dani was. Nurturing, and
present, chaotic, and engaged. I loved watching her love her sons.
Dani was fully present to her own life…and invited those
around her to do the same.
The heavy yoke of loss is not unfamiliar to me.
And while I have some rituals and tools to navigate this
loss – it isn’t really any easier.
In India after we would leave the crematorium we would
gather together to be.
To sit.
To remember.
To celebrate and grieve.
To be angry and shake a fist at the sky.
I will never forget the day that Becca and Andrew knocked on
my door after a funeral. They came bearing fried food, whiskey, and the gift of
their presence.
For me, whiskey is a part of the ritual of remembering.
I told Rishi about the whiskey ritual, and he asked me if I
wanted to have some whiskey (and he would join me).
I told him “no” cause I wasn’t ready yet.
And then we drank whiskey.
Because you are never ready.
This is the sort of loss that you cannot brace yourself for.
We sat in the sadness.
We grieved for the loss of life and light.
We grieved for the loss of our friend.
We named the loss of her voice and perspective in our lives.
We mourned for sweet little boys who won’t get to know how
amazing their mom was
And for
Kyle, who has suddenly lost his partner.
On days like this, my brain whirs, and I feel fragmented.
There are not answers or explanations.
The only prayer my soul can muster is for mercy.
So I choose to remember my favorite words of the liturgy.
“But you are the same God whose nature is to have mercy”
Lord have mercy.
Christ have mercy.
Lord have mercy.